Inner Thoughts

Nagging Wife

2010-03-28T12:34:00.004+08:00

The Best Ways To Deal With These Nag Nag Nag Wife Creatures
As married life goes it naturally has it's ups and downs and it's when the downs seem to make life really is when this sort of behaviour needs to be addressed. A nagging wife is someone who has gotten quite comfortable at dishing out the orders, you know the type, the ones who leave the list of jobs that need doing as soon as on the fridge in the form of a post it. These horrible wife creatures must be stopped and I believe I've come up with 9 top ways to deal with a nagging wife, so take notes, you never know when you'll need to refer back to these 9 tips for effective wife management.

Number 1: Always create a space for yourself, a shed, a room. Somewhere to retreat from the nagging when it erupts. Your best hobby is done in this safe haven from the nightmare naggers. Every bloke should have a hobby to counteract the nagging of a wife.
Number 2: When you feel the nag is about to happen, just go out to the pub, or go for a walk, the key here is to be consistent so that every time a nag is about to occur you just get out of the way.
This makes sense, because it saves wasted energy all around and if you are out of the way, then you will not hear it!
Number 3: Ignore the nagging, when she says stuff that needs to change or the things that need doing it's time to either act like you're deaf or just plain ignore her and all she stands for when it comes to the nagging, she'll either get bored because there is no reaction and the nagging ends or she may get pissed off. So in the event she might get a little angry that you don't listen, then obtain a hearing aid and hatch a small plan to fake a hearing problem, this is a good tactic I recommend you do to combat this terrible affliction, she'll more than likely not bother and just hand you a list of jobs and for that my friends a white walking stick and mr magoo style glasses come in very handy!!
Number 4: When us men are about to be nagged to death we sort of sense it like a sixth sense, so in the event of such an outcome, you could compliment your wife and this cleverly distracts her and she'll just forget for the time being about the prospect of nagging you. These little compliments can be staggered throughout the week and can be part of an overall plan of gift showering and that sort of thing, although don't overdo it as this could cause more stress later on down the line with such things as they might wonder why you are giving them all of this attention and you are playing the game away from home. So just be careful with this one, you don't want to be playing into their hands too much!
Number 5: Keep them busy, always try and keep the nagging at bay by taking them out for dinner or just doing something together, with a bit of luck this will also stop them from nagging you because this might be something they nagged you about, so try and second guess them and nip it in the bud before the nag rot sets in.
Number 6: Counteract the nagging by nagging back, this could be called an arguement in some parts of the world, but it really isn't, as you are only giving her a taste of her own poisonous medicine. Nag back at her about the fact of her nagging you, you never know this may stop her from nagging again, or it could be grounds for a future divorce, either way you'll feel better for it.
Number 7: Laugh at her nagging face!
This is one of my favourites as it unsettles them into just shutting the hell up,they get frustrated about the fact that you laughed at them. When they try to nag again immediately after you laughed ....just laugh louder this time!
Number 8: Slap them in the face with a piece of candy floss, don't worry it won't hurt, this just adds to the drama of being nagged, with a bit of luck a piece of candy floss will get stuck on their lips and you could simply lick it off. Get rid of the nagging with a bit of candy floss kinkyness!!
Lastly number 9: When they are about to nag...say hey look at that dress and your hair...I love it! you really are the best wife in the world and quite sexy too why don't we just hop into a sack and do our very own special dance whilst laying down! I may revise this list in time as I may come up with some better tips to replace the current ones. But at present these are the best for the current times of nagging wifey misses!!

HEALTHY HOME

2010-03-27T22:04:00.004+08:00

WHAT IS AN UNHEALTHY HOME?
Manufacturers use preservatives, petroleum based chemicals and pesticide to insure the lifespan of their products. These same products can create health problems by producing poor indoor air quality. They may cause sore throats, insomnia, headaches and depression in people with chemical sensitivities. In the worst possible cases, studies show that unhealthy homes cause asthma and worsen ADD symptoms in children.

HOW DO U GET A HEALTHY HOME?
Different people have different sensitivities. You can strive to use the most healthy materials and products available. Proper ventilation is one of the easiest tools for maintaining clean air.
LOW VOC PAINT
Most standard paint brands have volatile organic compounds (VOC) and synthetic biocides in them. These compounds can cause allergic reactions and give off petrochemical stimulants in the air.

HEALTHIER CARPETING & PADDING
97% of all carpeting in the United States is made of synthetic fibers and colored with aniline dye derived from nitrobenzene. These carpets often outgas hundreds of different chemicals into the atmosphere, including methacrylic acid and ehtylbenzene. The healthier alternative to synthetic carpeting and padding is using a product made of 100%-wool yarn. It is an undyed, non-mothproofed wool carpet without harmful pesticides and glue. You may also want to explore other flooring alternatives such as bamboo, cork or natural stone.

IMPROVE AIR QUALITY BY PROPER VENTILATION

Ventilation issues are one of the worst foes of the healthy home. All homes contain items that outgas pollutants into the air. Many new building materials outgas formaldehyde, preservatives, pesticides and other irritating chemicals. Proper ventilation can dilute the concentration of those chemicals. Older homes often have poor systems that do not get rid of the toxins in the air. Mold from hidden sources of moisture can affect your families health. Good ventilating systems and careful material selections will assure that your family is not breathing harmful pollutants in your home.

A Breath of Fresh Air: Ventilation Matters
When creating an energy-efficient, airtight home through air sealing techniques , it’s very important to consider ventilation. Unless properly ventilated, an airtight home can seal in indoor air pollutants. Ventilation also helps control moisture —another important consideration for a healthy, energy-efficient home.

Purpose of Ventilation
Your home needs ventilation—the exchange of indoor air with outdoor air—to reduce indoor pollutants, moisture, and odors. Contaminants such as formaldehyde, volatile organic compounds, and radon can accumulate in poorly ventilated homes, causing health problems. Excess moisture in a home can generate high humidity levels. High humidity levels can lead to mold growth and structural damage to your home.
To ensure adequate ventilation, the American Society of Heating, Refrigerating and Air-Conditioning Engineers (ASHRAE) says that a home’s living area should be ventilated at a rate of 0.35 air changes per hour or 15 cubic feet per person per minute, whichever is greater.
There are three basic ventilation strategies:
1. Natural ventilation. Opening windows and doors provides natural ventilation. Natural ventilation depends on a home’s airtightness, outdoor temperatures, wind, and other factors. Therefore, during mild weather, some homes may lack sufficient natural ventilation for pollutant removal. Tightly sealed and/or built homes may have insufficient natural ventilation most of the time, while homes with high air infiltration rates may experience high energy costs.
2. Spot ventilation can be used to improve the effectiveness of natural ventilation. Spot ventilation improves the effectiveness of other ventilation strategies—natural and whole-house —by removing indoor air pollutants and/or moisture at their source.
Spot ventilation includes the use of localized exhaust fans, such as those used above kitchen ranges and in bathrooms. The American Society of Heating, Refrigerating and Air-Conditioning Engineers (ASHRAE) recommends intermittent or continuous ventilation rates for bathrooms and kitchens instead of using windows (natural ventilation): 50 or 20 cubic feet per minute for bathrooms, and 100 or 25 cubic feet per minute for kitchens, respectively.
3. Whole-house ventilation systems provide controlled, uniform ventilation throughout a house. These systems use one or more fans and duct systems to exhaust stale air and/or supply fresh air to the house.

Why we cannot tolerate criticism

2009-11-13T14:30:00.002+08:00

A lady came to me complaining that she is hurt by even small criticisms coming from others.
She said she was very sensitive. I asked her to stop using that word. I said, ‘You are not sensitive. A really sensitive person will be porous; she will allow the words to pass through her.
Only arrogant people get hurt. If you are hurt, please understand that you are arrogant. You are strong like a stone, which is why words come and hit you.’

A sensitive person would have allowed the words pass through her; she will never suffer. Even if someone is deliberately rude, a sensitive person understands where such a person is coming from and is not defensive. Suffering is always from arrogance, never from sensitivity. A person who is sensitive will never suffer. A sensitive person will suffer on account of another person in distress, not for oneself.

You suffer from words when you stop them, when you resist them, when you create your own meaning out of them. When we do not create our own meanings out of words, we do not suffer. We play with words. We always choose nice words to support our ego. We do not say, ‘I am hurt because I am arrogant.’ We always use polished words such as, ‘I am hurt because I am sensitive.’ Please don’t cheat yourself with words. Let your words be unfiltered by your ego.

Let me tell you a small story:
Once, a contractor wanted to donate a sports car to an official. The official refused, saying, “I am an honest person and I cannot think of accepting this gift.” The contractor asked him, “In that case how would it be if I sell you this car for Rs 10?’ The official replied immediately, ‘In that case, I will have two cars!’ When an untruth is wrapped in gift packing, you forget you have a problem. You accept it without a murmur. However, when truth is presented bare, you do protest. Presented bare, truth hurts; ego cannot tolerate truth easily.

We are so concerned about politically and socially correct statements, it seems no longer acceptable for anyone to speak the truth. But it seems to be perfectly acceptable to lie in a politically correct manner. Ramakrishna says beautifully, ‘Let your words and mind be straightened.’ Whatever is, let it be offered straight without filtering. Learn to accept truth bare. At least you will know you have a problem that you can solve.

WHY DO WE YELL !!!!

2009-11-11T18:39:00.002+08:00

A sage asked his disciples, “Why do people yell at each other when they are upset?”

The disciples thought for a while, and one said, “We lose our calm and so we yell!”

“But explain to me, why do you yell when the other person is right next to you?” asked the sage. “Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you yell at a person when you are angry?” The disciples gave some answers but none satisfied the sage.

Finally, the sage explained.

“When two people are angry at each other, there is a distance which arises between their hearts. To cover that distance they must yell, to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the louder they will have to yell to hear each other through that great distance.” Then the sage asked, “What happens when people are in love? They do not yell at each other but talk softly. Why? Their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small.”

The sage continued, “What happens when their love for the other grows even more? They do not speak, they only whisper. Their hearts come even closer with love. Finally, they need not even whisper... they only look at each other and that is all. That is how close people are when they love each other. The heart is like one.”

Apply it:
Next time you get angry, try speaking in a soft voice. Your anger will reduce a lot.

Are You Always Right?

2009-11-08T14:57:00.003+08:00

http://www.lifemotivations.com/index.html

Do you know someone who always wants to be right, and then has to tell you why they are right and you are wrong? They always have an opinion, and when something goes wrong, they have to tell you why it went wrong and why they knew it was going to go wrong.
You might pose a question to this person that they might not know the answer to, but that they think they should know or you think they should know, and then the fur goes up on their back like a cat and they spew forth their superior knowledge. Whether it is or not, they will tell you it is superior.

They just have to tell you why they are right and you are wrong, and they do this from a perspective only they can understand. So you just stand or sit there shaking your head wondering why they have to be right all of the time, when most of us are wrong most of the time.
They have their mental model of the world so tightly compacted around themselves that they think they are the smartest and the greatest ever to live.

Well I’ve got news: they are just a pain in the ass. And I am sure you know one or two of these people, and I hope it is not your boss, because that is a royal pain.
Why do people have to behave like this? Why do people think they have to know it all? Why do they have to be right and everyone else has to be wrong? Is there some low self-esteem working in their head, so they have to prove to everyone how good they are?

Now here is an interesting question: do you have a little of these behaviors in yourself?
I know you tell me no, but I am not so sure. We probably all have a little of the defensive in us, but let me share with you that if you have any of these behaviors it is wise to unload these thoughts of defense. They are not persuasive, people say things behind your back, and they just prove that you are not smarter than everyone else. Believe me, people will try to convince you of their superiority- but they are not superior. So if you have any of these behaviors you have to be honest with yourself, make a change and watch things turn around with your relationships.

SILATURRAHIM

2009-08-26T02:44:00.002+08:00

Untuk mempastikan diri kita menjadi hamba Allah yang baik atau dengan tepatnya menjadi 'khalifahtullah' di atas muka bumi ini, kesempurnaannya amat bergantung kepada sejauh mana seseorang itu mampu mengharmoniskan hubungannya dengan Yang Maha Pencipta Allah S.W.T. dan juga sejauh mana kemampuan seseorang itu menserasikan hubungannya dengan sesama manusia. Inilah yang menjadi titik tolak dalam kehidupan insan muslim mukmin yang beriman dengan Allah S.W.T. Inilah yang Tuhan firmankan dalam al-Qur'an:
Maksudnya:
'Ditimpa kehinaan mereka walau di mana mereka berada melainkan berjaya berpegang dengan agama Allah S.W.T. dengan menghubungkan diri dengan Allah S.W.T. dan juga berbuat baik sesama manusia..'(Surah Ali-Imran: 112)

Alhamdulillah, agama Islam yang kita anuti ini, begitu prihatin dan telah menyusun adab-adab serta disiplin- disiplin hubungan yang diperlukan sebagai pra-syarat kepada kesempurnaan kita untuk menjadi khalifah Allah S.W.T. Islam telah menyusunnya dengan begitu terperinci satu persatu dengan tujuan mempastikan supaya kehidupan hamba Allah itu berjalan dengan penuh harmoni,dengan penuh selesa,dengan penuh damai dan jayanya. Disusun begitu rupa bermula daripada beberapa adab dan disiplin yang begitu banyak yang antaranya disusun adab-adab berkeluarga, adab-adab kehidupan berumah tangga, adab bersuami isteri dan adab beranak pinak. Ini semata-mata bertujuan agar keluarga itu dapat mengecapi kebahagiaan sebagaimana yang diungkapkan 'Baiti Jannati',Rumahku Syurgaku. Kemudian disusun pula dengan adab-adab berjiran tetangga atas dasar hormat-menghormati supaya kehidupan sekampung dan sehalaman itu selesa berbahagia agar tidak bersengketa antara satu dengan yang lain. Islam juga tidak cuai dalam menyusun adab dan disiplin hubungan antara sesama umat Islam,yang bermatlamatkan untuk benar-benar dapat merealisasikan apa yang Allah S.W.T. firmankan dalam al-Qur'an:
Maksudnya:'Sesungguhnya orang yang mukmin itu bersaudara di antara satu dengan yang Lain.'(Surah al-Hujurat : 10)

Tidak juga dicuaikan oleh Islam di mana disusun adab-adab dan perhubungan antara orang Islam dengan bukan Islam yang berteraskan kemanusiaan sebagai merealisasikan apa yang difirmankan oleh Allah S.W.T.dalam al-Qur'an;
Maksudnya:'Wahai manusia sesungguhnya Kami menciptakan kamu dari seorang laki-laki dan seorang perempuan dan menjadikan kamu berbangsa-bangsa dan bersuku-suku supaya kamu saling kenal mengenal.Sesungguhnya orang yang paling mulia di antara kamu di sisi Allah ialah orang yang paling bertakwa. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Mendalam PengetahuanNya.(Surah al-Hujurat: 13)

Ini telah dijelaskan dalam al-Qur'an. Selain daripada itu, disusun oleh Islam berbagai-bagai adab yang lain hatta adab bertegur sapa, melarang, menasihat dan berdakwah yang semuanya ada disiplin dan ada adab yang telah ditetapkan oleh Islam, supaya dapat dilaksanakan dengan penuh harmonis dan dengan penuh selesa, sehinggakan apabila Allah S.W.T. memerintahkan Nabi Allah Musa a. s. dan Nabi Allah Harun a.s. supaya pergi kepada Firaun dengan firman-Nya:
Maksudnya:'Pergilah kamu berdua kepada Firaun kerana dia telah melewati batas kekufurannya. Maka kamu berdua bercakaplah padanya dengan kata-kata yang lemah-lembut mudah-mudahan dia akan ingat dan takut akan Allah S.W.T.'(Surah Taha: 43-44)

Hingga begitu rupa sekali walaupun Firaun itu memang ternyata kufurnya, memang ternyata tergelincir daripada landasan yang sebenar, tetapi masih lagi dipentingkan adab bagi Nabi Musa a.s. dan Harun a.s.untuk menyeru Firaun supaya kembali ke jalan Allah. Begitulah pendekatan yang digunakan dalam Islam untuk menserasikan, melunaskan dan mewujudkan keharmonian antara manusia dengan manusia di samping hubungan manusia dengan Allah S.W.T.
Khatib berasa terpanggil untuk menjelaskan perkara ini, kerana terdapat kekeliruan yang diketengahkan di tengah- tengah masyarakat hingga menyebabkan masyarakat terpinga-pinga dan terkeliru dengan beberapa keadaan yang menjejaskan maruah umat Islam dan juga imej Islam itu sendiri. Dikatakan bahawa untuk menyampaikan sesuatu mesej itu, Islam membenarkan kita menggunakan cara yang kasar, cara menggunakan maki hamun, cara menggunakan mencarut atau sebagainya, apakah begitu? Apakah benar begitu? Kalau kita terima kenyataan ini,kalau kita katakan bahawa Islam itu membenarkan cara maki hamun, cara mencarut, atau sebagainya untuk menyampaikan mesej, tidakkah itu bertentangan dan bercanggah dengan nas-nas yang sarih, dengan nusus-nusus Islamiah yang terang, tidakkah ia bercanggah dengan apa yang Tuhan firmankan dalam al-Qur'an:
Maksudnya:
'Dan hendaklah kamu berkata kepada manusia itu dengan kata-kata yang baik (dengan kata-kata yang lembut dan tidak menyakitkan hati.'(Surah al-Baqarah : 83)

Ini firman Allah S.W.T, kalau kita terima pandangan bahawa Islam itu membenarkan kita berkasar, kita mencarut, tidakkah itu bertentangan dengan apa yang Nabi kita Muhammad s.a.w. tegaskan dalam hadithnya:
Maksudnya:'Awasilah kamu kata-kata yang kotor, maka sesungguhnya Allah Ta'ala tidak suka (dalam erti kata benci), dengan kata-kata yang kotor dan mereka yang berperangai kotor.'

Kalau kita terima kenyataan yang kita katakan tadi, tidakkah ini bercanggah dengan apa yang Nabi sabdakan: Maksudnya:

'Bukankah sebenarnya orang yang beriman,mereka yang mencaci cela dan melaknat yang mengeluarkan kata-kata kotor dan mengeluarkan kata-kata yang hina.'

Kalau kita terima kenyataan yang kita katakan tadi, tidakkah ini bercanggah dengan apa yang Nabi sabdakan: 'Maksudnya:

'Memaki hamun orang mukmin itu, adalah satu perkara yang tergelincir, rosak dan pembunuhannya itu adalah kekufuran.'

Kalau kita terima, Islam itu membenarkan kita berkata sewenang-wenangnya, tidakkah ia bercanggah dengan apa yang Nabi sabda dalam hadithnya:Maksudnya:
'Berbahagialah mereka yang dapat menahan dan mengawal lebihan daripada lidahnya yang terlampau lancang, hingga mengeluarkan kata-kata yang lucah dan carut marut.'

Kalau kita terima bahawa insan membenarkan dakwaan mengatakan kita boleh berkata sewenang~wenang walaupun dalam bentuk tidak begitu sopan, tidakkah ini bercanggah dengan apa yang Nabi katakan dalam hadith: Maksudnya:

'Sesiapa yang beriman dengan Allah dan beriman pada Hari Akhirat, maka hendaklah ia berkata dengan kata-kata yang baik atau kalau tidak dapat melakukannya, lebih baik bendiam sahaja.'
Kalau kita terima bahawasanya kita boleh lakukan carut mencarut, maki hamun dan sebagainya tidakkah bercanggah dengan apa yang Nabi sebutkan dalam hadithnya:Makksudnya:

'Cukup atau memadai, seseorang itu dikatakan jahat, apabila dia memandang hina, merendah-rendahkan saudaranya Muslim yang Lain.'
Kalau kita terima kenyataan yang seperti itu, tidakkah ia bercanggah dengan hadith Nabi:
Maksudnya:'Tidak wajar dan tidak harus bagi seseorang mukmin itu memandang saudaranya dengan pandangan yang menyakitkan hati.'
Kalau kita terima juga kenyataan itu, bagaimana pula sabda Nabi kita Muhammad s.a.w.:
Maksudnya:'Tidak lurus seseorang hamba itu, melainkan lurus hatinya. Dan tidak lurus hatinya melainkan lurus lidahnya dapat memelihara daripada kata-kata yang keji dan tidak masuk syurga seseorang itu yang sentiasa tidak lepas daripada mengganggu gugat jiran tetangganya.'

Inilah akibat atau implikasi andaikata kita terima kenyataan yang sebegitu rupa, yang jelas kelihatan kepada kita merosakkan umat Islam itu sendiri bahkan merosakkan imej Islam itu sendiri. Tidak ada salahnya kita berlainan pendapat, tidak ada salahnya kita berbeza pandangan, kerana itu lumrah hidup manusia. Tetapi sejauh mana mampu kita mengendalikan perbezaan itu untuk memastikan ia benar-benar berada dalam keadaan baik, benar-benar diasaskan dengan pertimbangan yang rasional dan benar-benar tidak diruntuni sebarang sentimen. Malah, walaupun berbeza- beza pendapat, hingga kalau perlu kepada perdebatan dan perbahasan pun Islam mengatur disiplinnya. Bukankah Allah S.W.T. telah berfirman:
Maksudnya:
'....Bermujadalahlah, berdebatlah atau berbahaslah kamu dengan mereka itu dengan cara yang lebih jitu yang terlebih baik, yang terlebih lunak... '(Surah an-Nahl : 125)

Inilah yang harus kita fikirkan kalau kita terima kenyataan-kenyataan yang boleh menjejaskan imej umat Islam itu sendiri.Persoalannya, apakah kita perlu, dalam menyampaikan sesuatu mesej itu, kita mesti mengikut rentak-rentak orang. Apakah untuk menyampaikan satu-satu mesej itu, kita perlu mengikut, meniru cara orang Barat. Orang Barat memanglah hidupnya begitu lepas, tidak tahu dibezakan yang mana baik dan buruknya lagi. Apakah kita perlu meniru begitu kalau kita ingin menyampaikan sesuatu mesej? Maka kita harus tiru mereka, tutur kata lucah mereka, tutur kata yang jijik, tutur kata yang cemar? Kemudian harus dianggap cara itu tinggi nilai seni dan tinggi nilai sastera. Lantas dipertahankan pula, dengan menyatakan, itu adalah cara terbaik oleh kita. Bukankah yang demikian itu hanya memperlihat betapa dalamnya sentimen diri, yang mendorong kepada fanatik atau ta'asub.Harus diingat, apabila sentimen menguasai diri, mata kita akan gelap melihat segala-galanya. Bak kata ungkapan, 'mata musuh gelap menimbang kebaikan, mata kawan buta melihat kesalahan. 'Lantas menghasilkan pula ungkapan 'Perbuatan kita benar belaka, perbuatan orang salah semua'.

Inilah yang harus kita pertimbangkan dan harus kita fikirkan. Khatib menarik perhatian semua ini dengan harapan tidak usah kita tersasul dan tidak usah kita terbabas dan melatah. Sesuatu yang terang bercanggah dengan ajaran Islam kita katakan itu daripada Islam.Janganlah kita termasuk dalam golongan apa yang Allah S.W.T. firmankan:
Maksudnya:
'... Usah memperdagangkan ayat-ayat Tuhan itu dengan begitu murah harganya...'(Surah al-Baqarah: 41)

Usah diseret Islam menuruti kita. kita harus menuruti Islam. Janganlah semudah itu untuk kita katakan atas nama Islam, boleh segala-gala. Boleh kita lakukan, boleh kita memaki hamun atas nama Islam, boleh kita mencaci atas nama Islam, boleh kita menggelar orang itu dan orang ini dengan berbagai-bagai gelaran yang tidak direlai oleh orang yang empunya diri. Persoalannya, harus kita merenungkan perkara ini. Mana budi bahasa kita, mana sopan santun kita, mana resam timur kita, mana adat Melayu kita, mana budi perkerti kita, mana akhlak kita? Hinggakan bukan sahaja menjatuhkan maruah atau imej kita, malah orang yang bukan Islam pun timbul kekeliruan, apa sudah jadi dengan umat Islam yang dahulunya mengatakan bahawa Islam tidak membenarkan mengeluarkan kata-kata kotor, lucah dan sebagainya tetapi sekarang sudah sebaliknya.

Bukankah ini menimbulkan kekeliruan yang merugikan orang Islam dan agama Islam itu sendiri. Apakah wajar kita samakan carut marut ini dengan firman Allah S.W.T. Apakah benar itu ajaran Islam? Bukankah Allah S.W.T. telah berfirman:
Maksudnya:
'Wahai orang yang beriman, janganlah sesuatu kaum itu mengeji atau memperolok-olokkan kaum yang lain kerana boleh jadi orang yang mereka perolok-olokkan itu lebih baik daripada mereka dan jangan pula wanita-wanita memperolok- olokkan wanita yang lain kerana boleh jadi mereka lebih baik daripada wanita-wanita itu...'(Surah al-Hujurat : 11)

Inilah yang harus kita fikirkan apa yang Tuhan tarik perhatian kita itu. Apakah sanggup kita tukarkan format tarbiah kita? Rata-rata sejak datuk nenek kita sehingga sekarang mendidik anak-anak kita supaya jangan mengeluarkan kata-kata yang kasar, jangan keluarkan maki hamun. Tersasul dari mulut anak mengeluarkan perkataan yang tak senonohpun, kita cubit mulut anak itu kerana ia tidak wajar diucapkan.

Itu dia format didikan kita, itu dia cara didikan kita. Apakah kita mahu tukarkan pula dengan pendekatan pendidikan atau methodologi pendidikan dengan cara, gaya dan budaya carut mencarut serta maki hamun ini?Inilah yang harus kita renung. Inilah yang harus sama-sama kita fikirkan. Semoga Allah S.W.T. akan memberi taufiq dan hidayah kepada kita kerana kalau cara ini berterusan, cara ini kita amalkan, maka ternyata sekali pemikiran kita sudah gersang. Apabila pemikiran kita sudah gersang, tamadun akan pincang dan akan membawa kita kecundang. Nauzubillahi min zalik.

BERBAKTI KEPADA IBU BAPA MENJAMIN KEBERKATAN HIDUP

2009-08-25T00:59:00.003+08:00

Sempena Ramadhan yang mulia ini marilah sama2 kita renungi ibu bapa kita yang telah banyak berjasa untuk kita........ dan marilah kita sama2 memperbaiki layanan terhadap mereka.....

Saya berpesan kepada diri saya dan anak2 sekalian, marilah kita sama-sama mempertingkatkan ketaqwaan kepada Allah SWT dengan melaksanakan segala perintah-Nya dan meninggalkan segala larangan-Nya. Mudah-mudahan kita menjadi insan yang soleh dan menjadi contoh terbaik kepada keluarga dan masyarakat.

Penderhakaan kepada ibu bapa adalah sebahagian gejala sosial yang berlaku dalam masyarakat. Terdapat masyarakat Islam yang menganggap memelihara dan menjaga kebajikan kedua ibu bapa bukan satu tanggungjawab penting. Fenomena ini berlaku kerana masyarakat beranggapan menjaga rumahtangga sendiri dan anak-anak lebih penting daripada mengambil berat ke atas ibu bapa. Paling malang lagi terdapat anak-anak yang menghantar kedua ibu bapa mereka ke rumah orang-orang tua dengan alasan sibuk bekerja ataupun sukar mencari penjaga. Ini adalah berita buruk dan amat menyedihkan ibu bapa.

Lebih menyedihkan terdapat ibu bapa yang telah ditempatkan di rumah kebajikan ini merayu kepada anak-anak supaya mengambil mereka kembali untuk tinggal bersama tetapi tidak diendahkan. Selain itu terdapat juga anak-anak lebih memuliakan dan menghormati kawan-kawan dan sahabat handai berbanding dengan layanan kepada ibu bapa mereka.

Islam menyeru umat Islam jangan mencontohi kisah layanan buruk ‘Alqamah terhadap ibunya yang berlaku di zaman Rasulullah SAW dalam kisah ini , ‘Alqamah telah ditimpa sakit yang amat teruk dan tidak dapat mengucap ketika hampir saat kematiannya walaupun sahabat-sahabat Rasulullah SAW telah mengajarnya berkali-kali sehinggakan Rasulullah terpaksa memanggil ibu ‘Alqamah untuk bertanyakan apa hal sebenarnya yang berlaku.

Ibu ‘Alqamah telah menerangkan kepada Rasulullah SAW bahwa dia marah kepada anaknya kerana anaknya lebih mengutamakan isteri lebih daripada ibunya sendiri. Lihatlah sidang jamaah sekalian, walaupun ‘Alqamah adalah seorang yang sangat taat dan kuat ibadatnya kepada Allah SWT, rajin bersolat, berpuasa dan bersedekah tetapi disebabkan kemarahan ibunya Allah SWT telah menutup lidahnya untuk mengucapkan kalimah syahadah.

Islam memberi amaran keras terhadap mereka yang gagal melaksanakan hak-hak ibu bapa, menderhaka atau membiarkan ibu bapa yang sudah lanjut usianya menjalani kehidupan yang sukar dan menyedihkan. Rasulullah SAW bersabda:
Maksudnya : " Tidak akan masuk syurga orang yang suka menunjuk-nunjuk pemberiannya, orang yang derhaka kepada kedua ibu bapanya dan orang yang ketagihan minuman keras. "

Apa yang nyata, berbakti kepada kedua ibu bapa, bersikap mulia serta menunaikan hak-hak terhadap mereka adalah di antara tugas yang wajib dilaksanakan oleh umat Islam. Perintah mentaati keduanya jelas termaktub di dalam surah Lukman ayat 14: Maksudnya : " Dan Kami wajibkan manusia berbuat baik kepada kedua ibu bapanya; ibunya telah mengandungnya dengan menanggung kelemahan demi kelemahan dan menceraikan susunya dalam masa dua tahun; bersyukurlah kepadaku dan kepada kedua ibu bapamu; dan kepada akulah tempat kembalimu ".

Hakikatnya tanggungjawab anak-anak dalam melaksanakan hak-hak ibu bapa adalah hak yang paling penting sesudah menunaikan hak Allah SWT dan hak Rasul-Nya. Lantaran itu, hendaklah kita berbakti dan berbuat baik kepada mereka, mentaati mereka, berakhlak mulia sepanjang masa kepada mereka, mengutamakan mereka dalam segala kebajikan dan kebaikan lebih daripada diri kita sendiri, anak-anak dan juga isteri.

Sesungguhnya tanggungjawab anak-anak terhadap kedua orang tua bukanlah hanya dilakukan semasa hayat mereka masih ada sahaja tetapi berterusan walaupun mereka telah meninggal dunia. Anak-anak masih boleh menyumbangkan bakti mereka dengan pelbagai amalan seperti memperbanyakkan istighfar dan berdoa untuk mereka, bersedekah, membayar segala hutang piutang serta melaksanakan semua wasiat yang mereka tinggalkan selagi wasiat tersebut tidak bercanggah dengan hukum syarak. Selain itu menghubungkan silaturahim dengan teman-teman dan kaum kerabat serta orang-orang kesayangan ibu bapa juga merupakan salah satu cara berbakti yang boleh kita lakukan.

Sekali lagi menyeru supaya kita beristiqamah dalam berbuat ihsan kepada ibu bapa supaya mereka dapat menikmati kualiti hidup yang sempurna di dunia ini. Jika kita gagal berbuat demikian, maka di kemudian hari kita akan menerima nasib yang sama. Jabir RA meriwayatkan bahawa Rasulullah SAW bersabda : Maksudnya : " Berbaktilah kepada orang tua kamu (ibu bapa), nescaya anak-anak kamu akan berbakti kepada kamu. Dan peliharalah kehormatan isteri-isteri orang lain, nescaya isteri-isteri kamu akan memelihara kehormatan mereka . "

Fahamilah hakikat bahawa setiap kita adalah anak dan setiap kita juga akan menjadi ibu dan ayah. Oleh itu berlaku ihsanlah kepada ibu bapa agar setiap anak yang akan menjadi ibu dan bapa, akan dikasihani dan disayangi oleh anak-anak pula. Mimbar yang mulia ini bimbang jika ibu bapa kita hidup dalam keadaan terbiar, maka kemungkinan besar anak-anak yang akan menjadi ibu dan bapa juga akan turut terbiar dan tidak dipedulikan. Firman Allah SWT di dalam surah al-Israk ayat 7 : Maksudnya : " Jika kamu berbuat kebaikan, maka faedahnya adalah untukmu dan jika kamu berbuat kejahatan, maka berbalik kepada diri kamu juga ".

Am No Doctor-But Bad Breath Out of Nose is a Grave Concern

2009-07-29T18:19:00.009+08:00

Halitosis (bad smelling breath) usually comes from the mouth because that's where it's produced: bad breath out of nose passages may be sign that something more complicated is going on. Most sources agree that the hydrogen sulfide smell so typical of halitosis is caused by the production of volatile sulfur compounds by bacteria living in the moth. When air is expelled from the mouth, the odor is detected. When air is expelled from the nose, the air comes from the lungs and bypasses the mouth, so it's unusual for air coming from the nostrils to smell bad.

Bad breath coming thru the nose is more likely to originate in the nose, sinuses, or throat, or even more unusually, from the lungs, lower airways or stomach. The first step is to confirm the existence of bad breath out of nose passages - your sense of smell might be off due to a viral infection or anything else that causes sinus irritation. Are you suffering from dry nose, allergies, a cold, or anything else that might be affecting your sense of smell? Your bad nose breath may be an illusion - have a good friend confirm that it's real before you overreact.

Bad breath out of nose passages may be caused by a blockage or obstruction in the nasal passages that is preventing normal airflow and drainage. Individuals, especially small children, sometimes push objects into their nostrils that may then become lodged in the airway. Swimmers may inadvertently inhale objects in water if they take in water through the nose. Occasionally undigested food gets lodged in the sinuses when an individual vomits. Any of these things can set up a situation that will result in bad breath coming through the nose.

Bad nose breath can also be a result of infection in the nose or sinuses, or even in the throat or lungs. Infection, however, seldom happens without other symptoms. If the person experiencing bad breath out of nose passages has swelling, redness, heat, or pain in the sinuses, an infection may be brewing, and a doctor should be consulted. Similarly, lung and throat infection typically also cause pain and fever. Bad breath coming thru the nose is an incidental sign of these infections that is distant from the infection itself.

Some medical conditions can result in bad breath out of nose passages; however, the odor noted in these cases is usually different from the typical hydrogen sulfide smell of halitosis. Some malignancies (cancer) of the airways can cause an odor, as can kidney and liver disease, and ketoacidosis (a serious complication of diabetes). Again, though bad breath coming thru the nose is noted, the odor comes from elsewhere. See your doctor if you notice bad nose breath and there is no obvious reason for it, especially if you are feeling at all unwell

Best and Worst Foods for Your Libido

2009-07-27T17:51:00.003+08:00

It's no secret that the unhealthy American diet is contributing to an epidemic of obesity. But there's another hidden epidemic that our fatty diets are at the root of: a national libido crisis.
One of the big culprits, for both men and women, is obesity. As a person's weight soars, their libido plummets, due to biochemical changes that diminish blood flow. Extra weight also hinders their ability to have children—with men, it's damaged sperm; with women, it's ovulation problems. (Manage your weight with more than just food intake
The good news: With some simple changes to your diet, courtesy of the latest research from Eat This, Not That!, you can revitalize your relationship and dramatically improve your health.

FOR THE HORMONE RUSH
Eat This!1-OZ DARK CHOCOLATE
162 calories
11 g fat (6 g saturated)
10 g sugars

Chocolate is full of anandamide and phenylethylamine, two compounds that cause the body to release the same feel-good endorphins triggered by sex and physical exertion. Cocoa also contains methylxanthines, which make skin sensitive to every touch. Aim for dark chocolate, which packs more cocoa than lighter milk chocolates, and keep portions small.

Not That!WHITE CHOCOLATE
White chocolate isn't technically chocolate, since it doesn't contain any actual cocoa—which means no heightened skin sensitivity, or rush of the feel-good hormone serotonin.

FOR ENERGY
Eat This! 6-OZ SIRLOIN STEAK
414 calories
24 g fat (10 g saturated)
46 g protein

Protein has been shown to naturally boost levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, two chemicals in the brain that heighten sensitivity during sex. Your steak is also packed with zinc—a mineral that boosts libido by reducing production of a hormone called prolactin, which may interfere with arousal.

Not That! AN ENERGY DRINK

While the caffeine and sky-high sugar content will initially leave you bursting with energy, you're setting yourself up for a major crash not far down the line. Additionally, Canadian scientists found that maintaining a diet high in sugar can temporarily lower your testosterone levels, which in turn can sap your sex drive—whether you're a man or a woman. See, the more testosterone you have, the higher your arousal levels. Too much sugar sends your T into hibernation—and your libido along with it.

FOR POWER
Eat This! ½ CUP VANILLA ICE CREAM
137 calories
7 g fat (4 g saturated)
14 g sugars
2 g protein

Ice cream has high levels of calcium and phosphorus, two minerals that build your muscles' energy reserves and boost your libido. All that calcium—200 milligrams in the typical bowl—can also make you more sexually charged, since the muscles that control sexual response need calcium in order to contract properly.

Not That!TOMATOES

They're great for you in other ways, but tomatoes' lycopene and phytofluene can decrease testosterone levels. The effect isn't dramatic, but you may be better off skipping the marinara sauce if you want to get saucy.

FOR PERFORMANCE
Eat This! ½ CUP BLUEBERRIES
40 calories
10 g carbs
7 g sugars

Forget Viagra. Mother Nature's original blue potency capsules may do even more for you. Blueberries are high in soluble fiber, which helps remove excess cholesterol from the blood before it gets absorbed and deposited on artery walls. Blueberries also relax blood vessels and improve blood flow. For maximum potency and performance, eat a serving of blueberries at least three or four times a week.

Not That!SODA

Soda pop will sap your sex drive. Too much sugar will lead to spikes and crashes in your blood glucose, ultimately sapping your testosterone levels (and your libido).

Diabetes~Home Remedies

2009-07-17T17:38:00.009+08:00

"My diet from today will be RED WINE , Bitter gourd , olive oil, asparagus +......"

Diabetes mellitus is a chronic disorder found mostly among obese people. This condition causes increase in the blood sugar since it prevents the metabolism from using glucose resulting in the raised concentration of glucose in the blood. Diabetes mellitus occurs when the pancreas does not produce the hormone insulin, which is responsible for controlling glucose levels in blood. Type- I Diabetes occurs when thepancreas cannot produce enough insulin and another type of diabetes disease, which is called type- II diabetes when the body becomes resistant to insulin. As it may cause various other health complications, it is essential to treat diabetes and you can try a few time tested home remedies to keep the disease in control.

After establishing itself as a heart-friendly drink, red wine is now once again ready to be there on your dining table; this time as an antidote to diabetes. Obviously, good news for millions of people, constantly bearing blows of this debilitating disease. Credit to shovel out this fact goes to new study showing that chemical called, resveratrol—found in the skins of red grapes and in red wine – significantly improves the sensitivity of mice to insulin. Moreover, it (resveratrol) was found activating the SIRT1 enzyme – known for increasing longevity, DNA repair, and insulin secretion. These findings nurture a hope for diabetes-afflicted people, by confirming that in near future red wine might play a significant role in fighting diabetes, which currently is supposed to be engulfing around 170 million people worldwide.

Home remedies for diabetes mellitus
Bitter gourd is found to be an effective home remedies for diabetes mellitus. Due to its insulin-like properties, it efficiently reduces the blood sugar levels. Bitter gourd juice taken in an empty stomach and bitter gourd powder can be added to the diabetic diet. Bitter gourd decoction, which is got by boiling the pieces in water, can effectively diabetes mellitus treatment. Using olive oil in your cooking may help you control blood sugar levels. Olive oil can be used in salad dressings and for other cooking purposes. This is a good home remedy for diabetes mellitus. Vitamin c - rich Indian gooseberry helps the pancreas secrete insulin. Gooseberry juice is particularly effective when taken in combination of bitter gourd juice to fight diabetes successfully. This is one of the effective natural remedy for diabetes mellitus. Steamed asparagus drizzled with olive oil and lemon juice is a mild diuretic, which is a very good home remedies for diabetes mellitus .

Jambul fruit, juice and its seeds are beneficial in treating diabetes. The bark of the tree is burnt, powdered and used in treating diabetic patients. This powder is consumed in combination of amla powder and bitter gourd powder. This is one of the useful diabetes mellitus remedy. Parsley and watercress may act as a diuretic as well as lower blood sugar levels and hence may be helpful to diabetic patients. This is one of the best diabetes mellitus treatment. Another effective diabetes mellitus remedy are grapefruits can effectively fight diabetes. It is advised to eat at least three fruits a day if you want to save yourself from diabetes disease. Fenugreek seeds are also found to be effective in controlling diabetes. When consumed daily, fenugreek seeds can help balance blood sugar levels.

Bengal gram is found to be effective in controlling blood glucose levels of the diabetic patients. This is particularly helpful since Bengal gram increase the utilization of glucose and the insulin dependency of the diabetic patients was considerably reduced. This is one of the useful home remedies for diabetes mellitus.
Black gram eaten in combination of bitter gourd juice and honey is useful in combating the malnutrition that may arise in a diabetic diet. Mango leaves are boiled in water and the leaves are squeezed well to get a decoction. This decoction can be can be ingested every morning to fight against diabetes. Moreover, mango leaves can be dried and powdered and can be eaten everyday to treat diabetes patients. This is a good diabetes mellitus cure.
Parslane seeds can be taken with water every morning to increase body insulin levels. Onion, garlic and cucumber can be great home remedies for diabetes mellitus. Bilberry is effective in controlling blood sugar levels. This is a best natural remedy for diabetes mellitus. Essential oils such as rosemary, peppermint, lavender and tea tree oil can be used to decrease stress and cope up with the diabetic condition.

Type - 1 and Type - 2 Diabetes mellitus
Patients affected by type – I diabetes can take dosage of insulin on everyday basis. This will help to balance the blood glucose levels. Type – II diabetes patients can control their glucose levels by keeping their weight under control with a balanced diet and regular exercise regime. Diabetes disease can be controlled only by a strict diet and regular insulin supplements. If diabetes is left untreated, it may cause heart disease, high blood pressure, kidney diseases and many more illness. Diabetes condition may also lead to blindness, nerve disease and may cause stroke and impotence.----SO LETS TAKE CARE…..HAHAHAHA

crying in childhood~give them a break...don’t shout at them….

2009-07-14T18:28:00.003+08:00

Humans have developed many different ways to communicate with each other. Some of these include facial expressions, hand gestures, body posturing, and the use of sound. Many species, including fish, reptiles, insects, birds, and mammals, use these same techniques. Humans, however, use sound to communicate much more than other species do. The use of language is one major factor that separates man from the rest of the animal world.

Why do children cry?Crying is one way that humans express their emotions. It is one of the most effective ways a child who cannot speak communicates with others. Infants and young children cry for many reasons. As children mature into adults, crying occurs less often, and the reasons for crying become more specific. It is often not clear why children are crying. It is a caregiver's job to figure out why a child is crying and to relieve the underlying distress, if possible.

Toddlers (children from 12 to 36 months old) often cry out of frustration or as an assertion of independence. This stage of life can be very frustrating for many young children. Toddlers have a strong need to assert their independence. This is the way they learn the rules of the family and society.

This need to be independent, along with being stubborn and having a shortage of other options, lead toddlers into conflict with their parents. It can result in the toddler being frustrated at not having his or her way. This frustration is expressed through crying and temper tantrums. Slowly, the toddler learns the family rules, becomes more independent, and develops his or her use of language.

As his or her needs and feelings come to be expressed verbally, the young child uses crying less often to communicate. Although it can be difficult, caregivers should be patient with toddlers. Adults should expect to have to repeat and reinforce the rules for toddlers many times. It helps to keep rules simple so that the toddler can easily understand them.

Spending time with a toddler doing what he or she wants to do gives the child some control. If a toddler is crying out of frustration, he or she should be soothed. Toddlers should not necessarily get their way if what they want is not appropriate. Crying that does not respond to soothing can be handled by putting the toddler in a brief time out. The rules should then be restated when the child has quieted himself or herself and is allowed to return to activities.

Some children cry as a response to physical illness. Children cry when they are in pain from an injury or illness. Injuries are usually obvious. But the source of pain may not be so apparent in a child who cannot talk, or one who is younger than 2 or 3 years old.

Ear infections are a common cause of pain in young children. These occur more often in the winter months and if a child has a cold with nasal or throat inflammation . Frequent crying at night that disrupts a child's sleep is a common sign of ear infection. A caregiver should call the child's healthcare professional if the child is crying and has at least one of these symptoms:
• a temperature above 100.5 degrees F (38 degrees C)
• sore throat
• stiff neck
• drowsiness
• severe headache
• vomiting

Children sometimes use crying as a way to get an adult's attention. A child learns this if an adult attends to him or her every time he or she cries. After infancy, or the first year of life, children can learn to comfort and quiet themselves when they go to bed and when they are not ill. At bedtime, it helps to put children in their own cribs while they are still awake. This prevents them from thinking that they cannot go to sleep without an adult being with them.

Sometimes children wake in the night for a diaper change or feeding. These should be done gently but quickly, with just enough light to accomplish the task. Talking and touching should be kept to a minimum. Nighttime is not the time for an adult to be an entertainer. That should be saved for daytime. Brief periods of crying will not harm a child. Young children should get enough affection, approval, and attention during the daytime to meet their needs for feeling loved and accepted. They do not need reassurance of this in the middle of the night.
Adults can learn not to respond to daytime crying that is directed at getting their attention. The adult should not respond in anger or with punishment to the crying. This type of negative attention accomplishes the child's goal. Rather, the adult can say, "Crying is not a good way to get my attention. If you want me to spend time with you, please ask me in your normal voice."

If the child does not quickly respond, the adult should then ignore the child and do something else. When the child has quieted himself or herself, the adult should say something like, "I'm proud that you were able to quiet yourself. It is much more fun to be with you when you are not crying. Now, what is it you wanted to do with me?" It is very helpful for the adult to acknowledge when the child seeks attention without crying. The adult might say to the child something like, "I'd love to do that, and I love it when you ask without crying."
Children cry more if they are irritable. However irritability, like crying, is merely a symptom of a problem. There are many reasons why a child may be irritable. He or she may be sleep deprived if he or she has trouble sleeping. Persistent mouth breathing and difficulty breathing through the nose when the child does not have a cold may indicate breathing problems while sleeping.

Many children have television sets, phones and personal computers in their bedrooms. Children can become sleep deprived and irritable because they are up late entertaining themselves or talking to their friends. This is especially true of school-aged children. School-aged children, especially those in middle school and high school, can be involved in so many activities that they can be irritable from lack of adequate sleep.
A child can also be irritable if he or she is having problems at school, trouble with friends, or if there is a lot of stress and tension in the home. Some children who live with a chronically irritable parent can learn irritability as a way of life. Sometimes a child is irritable in most settings. Sometimes he or she is involved with "the wrong crowd," is abusing drugs or alcohol, is sexually promiscuous, or is involved in antisocial behavior. In these cases, the parent should not hesitate to seek help from a professional trained in counseling.

Adolescents may cry because of the stress associated with hormonal changes, emotionally charged events, or the struggle for independence from parents. In many ways, young adolescence is like a return of toddlerhood. As with the toddler, the young adolescent is struggling to become independent from his or her parents. This is often expressed at home by the young teen being irritable, short tempered and by crying after only minor provocation. The situation is made worse by the physical and hormonal changes the child is experiencing.
An adolescent is trying to figure out who he or she is, how the world works, and who is boss. The struggle for independence, along with the physical and hormonal changes, can make a child very emotional. Parents can be reassured if they hear that their child is happy and well mannered at school, in activities, and at the homes of friends. These are places where the adolescent is with peers and is there by choice.

Sometimes, crying is a symptom of depression. Children often do not exhibit the classic adult symptoms of depression, namely sadness, difficulty sleeping, appetite change, or loss of motivation. Rather, children who are depressed will be irritable, angry, or fearful. They may cry or act out a lot. Younger children usually become depressed in response to significant, adverse changes in their social environment.
Older adolescents are more likely to show the classic signs of depression. This is most common in children who have family members, especially within the immediate family, who suffer from depression. Parents with children showing these symptoms should talk to the healthcare professional They can also seek a referral to a mental health counselor who works with children and adolescents.

Usually, children who are healthy and live in nurturing environments are happy and content most of the time. Chronic crying and irritability are not normal for a healthy child. A child who cries or is irritable most of the time should be seen by a healthcare professional. If the cause seems to be clearly related to issues in the child's social environment, attempts should be made to get to the root of these issues and correct them.

Ciri-ciri isteri yang baik menurut Islam

2009-07-14T11:07:00.006+08:00

Last week I was honored to receive a visit by Prof. Dr Abdul Aziz and family, at my “neutral ground reception”, to ask for the hands in marriage of my eldest daughter Alia, to his young and ambitious diplomat son Azril Aziz. I hosted a dinner for my guest at the pool side of the KL Hilton, attended by their immediate family members including my youngest Auntie and Hubby, being the elder to the family in KL. The dinner signifies an official engagement for Azril & Alia.

To Azril & Alia, Congratulation on your engagement and I hope you will guide Alia to be a gracious wife to support you during the course of your diplomatic duty. To Alia, papa hopes you learn from history and continue to be mentally active and to support your husband-to-be in his course of diplomatic duty.

WOW…. How time flies, my eldest daughter getting married! That means I have step up to the next paradigm in life…..BUT believe me I am still young at heart and some are surprise that I have a daughter of marrying age! Thanks to my little hyper active Fatini & Emir and super demanding, understanding and very very very supportive wife….hehehe!

This is for Azril & Alia………. Lead your life graciously and always strive to live a life yang berhemah tinggi

Ciri-ciri isteri yang baik menurut Islam

Isteri yang baik secara total akan mudah melahirkan rumahtangga bahagia tetapi sebaliknya isteri yang tidak memahami akan tanggungjawabnya sudah pasti akan melahirkan rumahtangga yang kucar-kacir.

Kita sedar dan faham rumahtangga yang bahagia lahir daripada isteri yang soleh, jiran yang baik dan kenderaan yang sempurna. Dan wanita adalah penentu buruk baik sesebuah masyarakat. Manakala masyarakat yang baik pula lahir daripada rumahtangga dan keluarga yang bahagia. Wanita dengan sifat kehalusan yang dianugerah oleh Allah s.w.t. bersesuaian sekali sebagai pengasuh, pendidik anak-anak, pembimbing dan juga penghibur hati suami.

Daripada sifat semula jadi dengan kehalusan ini jika dididik dan diasuh serta dihalusi hatinya sejak awal-awal agar kematangan berfikir dan tingkah laku yang mulia sebagai persiapan seorang isteri yang soleh, sudah pasti berhasil. Rumahtangga bahagia boleh diasaskan oleh isteri akhlakul karimah perlulah memenuhi tanggungjawab yang digariskan dalam tuntutan yang pembetukan rumahtangga yang bahagia. Tanggungjawab ini perlulah benar-benar difahami, dihayati dan dilaksanakan agar cita-cita untuk melahirkan rumahtangga bahagia terhasil.

1. Taat dan kasih kepada Allah dan Rasul
Ketaatan kepada Allah akan jelas dilihat dari segala perintah dan larangan yang telah ditetapkan dipatuhi dengan sesungguhnya. Perintah dan larangan ini tergambar dengan jelas sebagaimana yang dibawakan oleh Rasulullah s.w.a. Ketaatan yang tidak berbelah bagi dengan sendirinya kan melahirkan disanubari perasaan kasih kepadanya.

Firman Allah dalam surah At-Taubah ayat 24 yang bermaksud. "Katakan: Kalau bapa-bapamu, anak-anakmu, saudara-saudaramu, isteri-isterimu, kaum keluargamu, kekayaan yang kamu peroleh, perniagaan yang kamu khuatiri akan rugi dan tempat tinggal yang kamu sukai; kalau semua itu kamu cintai lebih dari Allah dan Rasulnya dan dari berjuang di jalan Allah, tunggulah sampai Allah mendatangkan perintah-Nya. Dan Allah tidak memberikan petunjuk kepada kaum yang fasik."

Jelas kepada kita bahawa ketaatan kepada Allah s.w.t. akan menelurkan kasih dan cinta yang tidak ternilai di sisi manusia. Ketaatan dan cinta kepada Allah ini bukanlah mudah diperolehi sekirannya persediaan kearah itu disambilewakan. Pendidikan jiwa supaya beriman sesungguhnya kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya, perlulah dididik sejak awal lagi. Didikan ini akan menjadi benteng dan memahami akan batas-batas yang dilarang dan dibolehkan dalam ugama. Keimanan yang kukuh, perbuatan yang soleh dan mengikut ketetapan yang ditentukan dengan sendirinya secara mudah akan dapat melawan hawa nafsu lahiriah dan bathiniah.

" Dan kalau kamu hitung nikmat Allah, niscaya tidak dapat kamu menghitungnya.," An-Nahl ayat 18. Daripada rasa kenikmatan yang diberikan oleh-Nya yang tidak terkira akan memahami betapa hamba sangat-sangat memerlukan kepada Khaliknya. Sifat ihsan dengan sendiri mengonkong diri insan; kerana sifat wanita biasanya tidak akan puas dengan panorama duniawi.

2. Akhlak mulia dan sempurna sebelum kecantikan
Kita fahami bahawa Allah tidak memandang paras rupa (kecantikan) sesaorang tetapi akhlak yang mulia menjadi nilaian yang kukuh disisiNya. Akhlak mulia dan sempurna menjadi pakaian yang kekal manakala kecantikan akan luntur dimakan atau dimamah usia. Tetapi kiranya kecantikan ini dapat diadunkan dengan akhlak yang mulia sudah tentu ia adalah pilihan utama setiap insan. Untuk melahirkan wanita yang berakhlak baik perlulah dididik dan diasuh dengan nilai-nilai yang begitu rupa agar meninggikan lagi taraf kamanusian dan sekaligus membezakannya dengan sifat kehaiwanan.

Isteri yang berakhlak mulia dengan mudah dapat memahami akan bentuk-bentuk pakaian yang harus dikenakan pada tubuhnya dalam keadaan tertentu; dapat mengawal perkataan-perkataan yang maaruf ketika berbicara dan mengetahui akan batas-batas bergaul sesama rakan, suami, keluarga dan juga saudara-mara yang lainnya.

Di samping itu segala tindakannya mempunyai perbezaan dengan wanita yang tidak soleh. Ia tidak gemar membeli tanpa izin suaminya, apatah lagi penjualan dengan cara berhutang sepertimana kaedah sistem belian pati yang berluasa sekarang. Ia lebih mirip kepada kemaksiatan daripada yang maaruf. Juga tidak bertindak menggunakan harta dan wang suami tanpa izinnya. Sekiranya tidak mencukupi maka ambillah secara yang maaruf sebagaimana yang dilakukan oleh isteri Abu Sufian; Rasulullah menasihatkan agar mengambil dengan maaruf dan yang berhajat sahaja. Isteri yang soleh juga akan mudah mengawal harta benda suami ketika ketiadaan-Nya

3. Mengambil berat kewajipan rumahtangga dan berusaha memperbaikinya.
Wanita yang telah dididik sejak awal-awal lagi dengan akhlak yang mulia secara matang mengetahui akan persediaan berumahtangga dan memahami kewajipannya memperbaikinya dari masa ke semasa dengan patuh dari tunjuk-ajar suaminya.

Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w. dari Ibnu Abbas r.a yang diriwayatkan oleh Imam Abu Dawud, "Mahukah aku berikan kepadamu sebaik-baik benda yang disimpan Iaitu ialah wanita yang soleh. Apabila suaminya melihat kepadanya, girang dia; apabila suaminya perintah akan dia, taatlah ia padanya dan apabila suaminya meninggalkannya, ia akan memelihara nama baik suaminya."

Dari hadith di atas jelaslah kepada kita ukuran seorang isteri yang baik. Ia mampu melayani suami sebaik mungkin dalam segala bidang; ketaatan yang tidak berbelah-bagi asalkan yang diredai Allah s.w.t dan boleh mengawal harta benda dan nama baik suaminya ketika ketiadaannya. Ketaatan dan kepatuhan ini akan memudahkan penerimaan hidayah Allah s.w.t dan ketenangan hati suami dalam menjalani hidup berumahtangga. Dan sekaligus seolah-olah menjadi suatu simpanan yang sangat berharga bagi seorang lelaki berumahtangga apabila memiliki isteri yang baik budi pekerti atau perangainya dan mampu mengendalikan rumahtangga dengan baik.

Walaupun di dalam Islam tanggungjawab di dalam rumahtangga seperti menjaga anak-anak dan memasak serta lain-lain tidak diwajibkan sepenuhnya kepada isteri tetapi isteri yang soleh merasakan tanggungjawab ini biarlah ia yang menanggungnya. Kerana ia tidak mahu tangan orang lain mendodoikan anaknya ketika hendah tidur; tidak mahu tangan lain memasakkan makanan suaminya atau sebagainya dan memahami tugasnya adalah melayani suaminya semata-mata.

Isteri yang soleh sungguh cekap dan teratur melayani suaminya menjaga dan mendidik anak-anak, menyediakan makan minum keluarga, mengemas tempat tinggal dengan rapi dan lainya. Sedaya upaya berusaha memperbaiki kewajipan yang telah diamanahkan oleh suaminya. Isteri yang begini akan melahirkan rumahtangga yang tenteram, riang gembira dan menjadi rumahtangga contoh dalam masyarakat. Begitulah yang dikehendaki dalam Islam.

4. Malu dan taat
Sifat malu sememangnya lumrah bagi seorang wanita. Malu seorang isteri adalah hormat dan taat yang sebenarnya kepada suaminya, selagi suaminya taat kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya. Isteri akan diam semasa suami bercakap, membenarkan kata-katanya dan menghormati segala pesanannya. Bermuzakarah boleh juga diadakan tetapi ia perlu dikawal oleh akal kerana wanita itu berakal pendek walaupun mempunyai rambut yang panjang. Perbincangan yang mengikut nafsu syaitan dan sikap memberontak, menangi dan menghentak-hentak kaki yang akhirnya akan memporak-perandakan rumahtangga.

Hadith Rasulullah yang diriwayatkan oleh Termizi dan Ibnu Majah mengatakan. "Ketahuilah dan hendaklah kamu berpesan-pesan kepada kaum wanita dengan baik-baik, kerana sesungguhnya mereka itu tawanan bagi kamu, tidak ada kekuasaan sedikitpun bagimu daripada mereka itu selain yang demikian itu, kecuali jika mereka itu mendatangi/mengerjakan sesuatu kedurhakaan yang nyata. Maka jika mereka berlaku curang, berbuat durhaka, hendaklah kamu tinggalkan tempat tidurnya dan berilah pukulan yang tidak menyakitkan. Kemudian bila mereka taat dan patuh kepadamu, janganlah kamu cari jalan yang bukan-bukan untuk berbuat tidak senonoh kepada mereka. Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya bagi kamu ada suatu kewajipan atas isteri-isterimu, dan isteri-isterimu ada kewajipan ke atas kamu pula. Adapun kewajipanmu (suami) atas isteri-isterimu ialah bahawa mereka itu janganlah menginjakkan tempat tidurmu dengan orang yang tidak kamu sukai, dan mereka janganlah memperkenankan orang-orang yang kamu tidak sukai masuk ke rumahmu; dan kewajipan mereka (isteri) atas kamu ialah bahawa kamu hendaklah berbuat baik atas mereka itu dalam urusan pakaian dan makanan mereka."

Dengan ini jelas membuktikan bahawa sifat malu dan taat kepada suami masing-masing adalah perkara penting di dalam pergaulan berumahtangga. Ia perlu dijaga, diawasi dan dikawal agar jangan sampai berlaku yang tidak sesuai denga kewanitaannya dan dilarang oleh agama. Jadi perlulah isteri itu sedaya upaya mentaati dan meghormati suaminya kerana taat kepada suami bermakna taat kepda Allah s.w.t jua; dan murka suami bererti murkalah Allah kepadanya.

5. Mulia dan hormati ahli suami dan kerabatnya
Bermula selepas ijab & qabul, tugas dan tanggungjawab ibu bapa selama ini berpindah secara automatik ke bahu suami sepenuhnya. Dan sebagai seorang isteri, suamilah tempat ia bergantung kasih sayang.

Oleh itu tidak syak lagi seorang isteri itu menghormati akan ahli-ahli (adik-beradik) suami, saudara-mara dan kerabatnya mengikut batas yang tertentu. Dan perhubungan dan pertaliannya mempunyai had dan batas yang dibolehkan di dalam Islam. Kedatangan mereka terutama ibu bapanya perlulah disanjung dan hubungan ini perlu dititik-beratkan. Ada di kalangan keluarga Islam, perhubungan antara suami dan ibu bapanya renggang disebabkan oleh sikap isteri yang tidak menyenangkan orang tua suami.

Kadangkala isteri itu meminta barang-barang keperluan yang tidak dimampui oleh sisuami hingga membabitkan keluarganya akan juga menjadi punca perpecahan antara suami isteri dan kaum keluarganya. Memuliakan dan menghormati suami dan kaum kerabatnya merupakan satu tanggungjawab isteri yang baik.

Only weak people shout

2009-06-24T19:25:00.002+08:00

I believe the greatest sign of human weakness is when people shout. In fact, I think people who shout are stupid and are the lowest types of untalented characters. These people think that shouting will make others listen to them and do whatever they ask of them, but this is mostly false. The only time shouting will work is when the person being shouted at has low self-esteem, but people who respect themselves and know they deserve better will never succumb to the demands of a shouting individual.

People who think yelling will make others fear and obey them are simply jerks that will never get any respect. Some people may seem two-faced and only scream at others in certain situations and in certain places. People from different backgrounds and upbringings are different. Not everyone is the same.

I'm the master and I can shout whenever I want to!" This sentiment is not true at all. Being the boss or head of the family does not entitle you to the right to shout at others and put people down. People who do this are abusers, and it is no wonder that employees tend to hate their screaming bosses and hope for them to disappear! Some sponsors treat their maids and drivers badly, and shouting at them becomes a habit. This verbal abuse can push anyone to despair and can even lead some people into a life of crime.

Why do people shout at others? I think those who scream at other people are arrogant and have sick personalities. They lack trust in themselves and hate who they are. They want to release their pressures and frustration at others and direct their rage at the weakest people around them who are helpless to their verbal attacks. Doing so reaffirms their skewed ideas of superiority over others.

What should you do if someone shouts at you? Don't take it. You can sometimes use fire with fire, but this method can sometimes lead to worse outcomes. You can ignore the person and never deal with them again. If the boss is the culprit, you can tell him to his face that you do not approve of such treatment. If you work for someone who does not respect you, they are really not worth your time.

Is it embarrassing and degrading to be yelled at? Yes, but you can let it go, and you can learn how to handle such abuse. You can tell the person to release his frustration somewhere else. Keep your distance afterwards and don't think he will not shout again. Learn to deal with the shouting wisely and firmly.

muna@kuwaittimes.net

What's in a Kiss?

2009-06-18T17:42:00.003+08:00

A kiss — the pairing or touching of lips — is typically an expression of affection, greeting or farewell, and intensely as an expression of romantic affection or sexual desire. Parents kiss children, worshippers kiss religious artifacts and couples kiss each other. Kisses take on a number of figurative meanings in folklore, literature, and art, ranging from the betrayal — with Judas’ kiss — to the life-giving symbolism of movies such as The Little Mermaid.
The word comes from Old English cyssan ‘to kiss,’ in turn from coss ‘a kiss.’ Anthropologists report that 90% of the people in the world kiss. So how does one gesture come to signify affection, celebration, grief, comfort and respect, world-wide?
Evolution

Anthropologists have yet to reach a consensus as to whether kissing is a learned or an instinctive behavior, but many believe it may be related to grooming behavior seen between other animals, or a result of mothers premasticating food for their children. After the babies learned to eat solid food, their mothers may have kissed them to comfort them or to show affection.
Bonobo apes, which are closely related to humans, kiss one another frequently. Regardless of sex or status within their social groups, bonobos kiss to reduce tension after disputes, to reassure one another, and to develop social bonds. Many mammals lick one another’s faces, and birds touch one another’s bills. In some cases, the animals are grooming one another rather than kissing, while others are smelling scent glands located on face or in mouth. In these manners, they’re often showing signs of trust and affection or developing social bonds.
Biology

Kissing allows prospective mates to smell and taste each other’s pheromones for biological compatibility. Women are subconsciously more attracted to men whose major complex portion of their genome is different from their own, leading to offspring with resistance to a greater number of diseases with a better chance of survival. This explains why couples are more likely to bond if they have the right ‘chemistry.’ A study at the University of Albany found that women use kissing as a tool to find the right father for their children and judge men exclusively on the quality of the first kiss they share.
Effects of Kissing

Romantic kissing affects most people profoundly. The Kinsey Institute describes a person’s response to kissing as a combination of 3 factors:
1. Psychological response depends on your mental and emotional state and how you feel about the person kissing you. Kissing someone you want to kiss will generally encourage feelings of attachment and affection.2. Your body physically reacts to being kissed. Most people like to be touched, which is part of your body’s response to kissing. But kissing also affects everything from your blood to your brain.3. The culture in which you grew up plays a big part in how you feel about kissing. In most Western societies, people are conditioned to, look forward to and enjoy kissing. The behavior of the people around you and other social factors can dramatically affect how you respond to being kissed.
When a mother kisses a child’s bruise to make it feel better, psychological, physical and social factors play a part in the reaction to both. The same is true when friends kiss as a greeting, worshippers kiss religious symbols or siblings kiss and make up after an argument. No matter the type of kiss, they have one thing in common — they inspire feelings we think of as positive.
Manner of Kisses and Culture
Affection

In modern Western culture, kissing is most commonly an expression of affection, unlike many parts of the world where kissing is viewed as a means of respecting others. In Middle Eastern countries till recent times, kissing was only considered proper when between 2 men, 2 women, or parents kissing their children. Kissing was not looked upon as a sexual expression in the Middle East.
In Eastern European countries up to recent times, kissing between 2 men on the lips as a greeting or a farewell was as normal as the modern Western handshake. This custom has nearly died out due to Western influence. In the past, kissing wasn’t considered sexual in Slavic and Muslim countries.
Between people of close acquaintance, a kiss, often reciprocal, is offered as a greeting or farewell. This kind of kiss is typically made by brief contact of puckered lips to the skin of the cheek or no contact at all and merely performed in the air near the cheek with the cheeks touching. This is a common greeting in European and Latin American countries between a man and a woman or between 2 women, but also by 2 men in parts of Europe, the Middle East and Latin America, such as Argentina. But in most Western societies it’s often more acceptable for women to kiss each other than men kissing each other.
People sometimes kiss children to comfort them or show affection, and vice versa, usually on the forehead or cheek.
As an expression of romantic affection or sexual desire, kissing involves two people pressing their lips together, usually with much more intensity, and for a considerably longer period of time.
Symbolic Kissing

A ‘blown’ kiss using actions of the hand and the mouth to convey affection, typically when parting or when the partners are physically distant but can see each other.
Asymmetry in Kissing

To avoid a clash of noses while kissing, couples often turn their faces slightly to one side, thereby orienting their heads at an angle with respect to each other. Writing in Nature, psychologist Onur Güntürkün observed couples kissing in public places such as airports and parks. His research demonstrated that by a 2:1 ratio the direction of turn is more frequently to the right than to the left.
The History of the Kiss

Historians don’t know much about the early history of kissing, but 4 Vedic Sanskrit texts written in India around 1500 B.C. appear to describe people kissing.
The Indian poem “Mahabharata” describes kissing on the lips as a sign of affection. The “Mahabharata” was passed down verbally before being written down around 350 A.D. The Indian religious text “Vatsyayana Kamasutram,” or the “Kama Sutra,” also describes a variety of kisses, written in the 6th century A.D. Some anthropologists theorize that the Greeks learned about it when Alexander the Great invaded India in 326 B.C.
There aren’t many records of kissing in the Western world until the days of the Roman Empire. Romans used kisses to greet friends and family members, citizens kissed their rulers’ hands, and people kissed their romantic partners. The Romans distinguished 3 different types of kisses:Osculum — a friendship kiss on the cheekBasium — a kiss of affection on the lipsSavolium (or savium) — a lover’s deep kiss
The Romans also initiated several kissing traditions that have lasted to the present day. Couples became betrothed by kissing passionately in front of a group of people, which is likely why modern couples kiss at the end of wedding ceremonies. Kisses were used to seal legal and business agreements, and as part of political campaigns.
Christians often greeted one another with an ‘osculum pacis,’ or holy kiss. Tradition claimed the holy kiss caused a transfer of spirit between the two people kissing. Most researchers believe the purpose of this kiss was to establish familial bonds between the members of the church and to strengthen the community.
The Protestant Reformation removed the kiss from Protestant services entirely in the 1500’s. The holy kiss doesn’t typically play a role in modern Christian religious services, although some Christians do kiss religious symbols, including the Pope’s ring.
Until the 1400s, kissing under mistletoe was a major commitment, often meaning that a couple was engaged.
At the Diocleia festival at Megara in honour of Diocles, lover of Philolaus, a kissing contest was held in which boys would kiss a male judge, who awarded a laurel wreath to the boy he deemed the best kisser.
In the gospels, Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss on the cheek shortly before his crucifixion in the Garden of Gethsemane — a subversive use of the kiss.
Anatomy of a Kiss

Kissing is a complex behavior that requires significant muscular coordination — in fact, a total of 20 muscles working cooperatively. The most important muscle involved is the orbicularis oris — known as the kissing muscle — which runs around the outside of your mouth and used to pucker the lips. The tongue can also be an important part of the kiss.
About two-thirds of people tip their heads to the right while kissing. Scientists believe this preference starts before we’re born, when we tip our heads to the right in the womb. So muscles in your head, neck and shoulders tilt your head so your nose doesn’t collide with your partner’s nose.
Sensations involved in kissing aren’t confined to the mouth. Your facial nerve carries impulses between your brain and the muscles and skin in your face and tongue. While you kiss, it carries messages from your lips, tongue and face to your brain to tell it what’s going on. Your brain responds by ordering your body to produce:• Oxytocin, which helps people develop feelings of attachment, devotion and affection for one another• Dopamine, which plays a role in the brain’s processing of emotions, pleasure and pain• Serotonin, which affects a person’s mood and feelings• Adrenaline, which increases heart rate and plays a role in your body’s fight-or-flight response
When you kiss, these hormones and neurotransmitters rush through your body. Along with natural endorphins, they produce the euphoria most people feel during a good kiss. Your heart rate increases and your blood vessels dilate, so your entire body receives more oxygen than normal. You can also smell the person you’re kissing, and researchers have demonstrated a connection between smells and emotions.
World Records

The longest recorded kiss took place in New York City on December 5, 2001, between Louisa Almedovar and Rich Langley, lasting 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds.
The world record for the largest group kiss was set on July 22nd 2007 in Weston-Super-Mare at Channel 4’s T4 on the Beach. More than 32,000 people kissed for 20 seconds, smashing the previous record set in France by over 30,000 people.
On September 1, 2007, 6980 couples kissed for 10 seconds in Tuzla, Bosnia breaking the previous Guinness World Kissing Records of the Philippines and Hungary. The record currently awaits official certification.
The longest onscreen kiss was performed by Gregory Smith and Stephanie Sherrin in the 2005 film Kids in America which lasted just over 6 minutes.

How and Why We Flirt

2009-06-17T12:21:00.004+08:00

There are but two very specific types of people who flirt — singles and those who are married. Single people flirt because, well, they’re single and therefore nobody is really obligated to talk to or do the ‘wild thing’ with them. But married people are more of an enigma — they’ve already found themselves a suitable significant other. So why do they persevere with the game, and how do we flirt to begin with?

Flirting Stats

Statistics vary but most experts agree it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if we’re attracted to someone. As much as we’d like to believe it all rests on that witty opening one-liner — sorry, it doesn’t.
55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.
33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice.
Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.

First Impressions

You need to get the body language down pat right off the bat or they won’t bother sticking around to find out how charming you are. Here’s a thought to make you feel dreadfully self-aware — before you’ve even uttered a word to the person you’ve got your eye on, your posture and the way you’ve walked is more than 80% of their first impression of you. We make snap judgments based on instinct but the fact is, nearly every facet of your personality is evident from your appearance, posture and the way you move.
So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals — and how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking — and the flirting — by learning to recognize them.

5 Expert Methods of Flirting

The Flirting Triangle When we look at people we’re unfamiliar with such as in a business situation, our eyes make a zig-zag motion — we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.
With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape — we look from eye to eye and down to include the nose and mouth. Once flirting begins, the triangle gets larger — it widens at the bottom to include parts of the body. The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we look from eye to eye — and the more time we spend looking at their mouth. It can be highly seductive when someone’s watching your mouth while you’re talking to them. It could be they’re fantasizing what it would be like to kiss you. A word of caution — don’t be overly overt in this method or you’ll only succeed at relaying a subliminal message of being a sexual predator to a female.

Mirroring

This is what separates a competent flirt from an expert — nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone’s behavior. If they lean forward to say something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back, sip their drink and look you in the eye, you pause and follow suit.
The philosophy is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they’re on the same level and mood as we are. But there are 2 major rules to become pro at this — only mirror positive body language, and capture the spirit rather than imitating them. Wait around 50 seconds as a rule of thumb before mimicking their gestures.

The Eyebrow Flash

When we first see someone we’re attracted to our eyebrows rise and fall, and they’ll do the same if they’re equally attracted. Watch closely and carefully, because it only lasts about a fifth of a second.
It’s an unconscious gesture replicated by every culture on the planet. Some experts claim it’s the most instantly recognized non-verbal sign of greeting we humans use.
But for practicing flirters, the thing is to watch for it when you meet someone you’re interested in. On the pro level, tell them you’re interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second while catching their eye for full impact. Nothing longer or you’ll fall from pro status to idiot.
Pointing Steal a glance at their feet and hands. We have a tendency to point toward the person we’re interested in — if we find them attractive, we’ll often point at them subconsciously with our hands, arms, feet, legs, and toes.
Photo Lippi
This is another subliminal message used on the pro level to make your intentions known. It’s often picked up unconsciously by the other person, without them really knowing why.
If you have your eye on someone across the room, point your body in their direction — even if you don’t make eye contact, they may take the hint.

Blinking

If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases, as does their blink rate.
Being the expert flirt you are, up the odds in your favor by increasing the blink rate of the person you’re talking to by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they’ll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, in turn making you both feel more attracted to one another.
Cues of Readiness Notice the sidelong glance paired with the weak smile, the slightly sustained gaze given? A woman tilting her head to the side a bit, exposing her soft, sensuous neck, or looking at it another way, her jugular? A man maintaining his body in an open, come-on-attack-me position, arms positioned to draw the eye to his impressive lower abdomen?

Scientists call all these little acts “contact-readiness” cues, because they indicate non verbally that you’re prepared for physical engagement. Experts of general body language call this “nonverbal leakage.”
These cues are a crucial part of the “heterosexual relationship initiation process.” In primal terms, they’re physical signals that you don’t intend to dominate, nor do you intend to flee — both effective messages potential mates must send before they can proceed to that awkward talking phase. They’re the opening line for the opening line.

Golden Rules of Body Language

Don’t judge based on one thing alone. Sitting with one’s arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture — but it could also mean they’re freezing cold, or hiding a freshly spilt drink on their shirt.
Don’t jump to conclusions — instead look for groups of behavior. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, they’re likely on the defensive. Most experts on body language follow the Rule of 4 — look for at least 4 signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Why We Flirt

One of the reasons we flirt is that we just can’t help ourselves — we’re programmed to do it by biology or culture. The Max Planck Institute in Germany filmed African tribes in the 1960’s and found that the African women did the exact same prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile that he saw in America. Some evolutionary biologists suggest that those who were pros at flirting maneuvers were more successful in quickly finding a mate and reproducing, and that the behavior therefore became widespread in all humans. “A lot of people feel flirting is part of the universal language of how we communicate, especially nonverbally.” says Jeffry Simpson, director of the social psychology program at the University of Minnesota. Simpson is currently studying the roles that attraction and flirting play during different times of a woman’s ovulation cycle. His research suggests that women who are ovulating are more attracted to flirty men. “The guys they find appealing tend to have characteristics that are attractive in the short term, which include some flirtatious behaviors.” he says.
He’s not sure why women behave this way, but it follows that men who have sex with ovulating women have a greater chance of procreating and passing on those flirty genes. But this is an unconscious choice, just as flirting isn’t always intentional. “With a lot of it, especially the nonverbal stuff, people may not be fully aware that they’re doing it.” says Simpson. “You don’t see what you look like. People may emit flirtatious cues and not be fully aware of how powerful they are.”

Flirting with Intent

But for the rest of you, you know who you are. Once you move into the verbal phase of flirting, it’s pretty much all intentional.
Flirtation is a game we play — a dance in which everyone knows the moves. “People can flirt outrageously without intending anything.” says Timothy Perper, who’s been researching flirting for 30 years. “Flirting captures the interest of the other person and says ‘Would you like to play?”

Flirting is Second Nature

The uncertainty of flirting is one of the most exhilarating things about the game. “Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes, not no.” says Perper. “So we engage ourselves in this complex game of maybe.” The game is anything but new — the first published guide on how to flirt was written about 2,000 years ago, Perper says, by author Ovid.
Once we’ve learned the game of maybe, it becomes second nature to us. Long after we need to play it, we’re still occupied by it because we’re better at it than at other games, and sometimes it becomes a social fallback position.
“We all learn rules for how to behave in certain situations, and this makes it easier for people to know how to act, even when nervous.” says Antonia Abbey, a psychology professor at Wayne State University.
Just as we learn a kind of script for how to behave in a restaurant or at a business meeting, she suggests, we learn a script for talking to the opposite sex. “We often enact these scripts without even thinking.” she says. “For some women and men, the script may be so well learned that flirting is a comfortable strategy for interacting with others.” In other words, when in doubt, we flirt.

Why Married People Flirt

What drives many already committed people to engage in the art of woo is often not doubt, but curiosity. Flirting “is a way of testing one’s mate-value and the possibility of alternatives — actually trying to see if someone might be available as an alternative.” says Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.
Evolutionary biologists claim the motivations are clear — mates and offspring die — flirting is somewhat like mating insurance.
Some may flirt to bring about renewed attention from your mate, which has advantages all its own.

For Benefits

Flirting can be an emotional resource to gain something — not usually for money, but for the intangibles — a better table, a juicier cut of meat, a discount, or to return a purchase without any hassles. It’s a handy social lubricant, reducing the friction of everyday difficulties, more like a strategically timed tip than a romantic advance. Flirting is almost mandatory in today’s times.

Online Flirting

The digital scene is all words and no body language — whether online or in text messages, nuance is nearly impossible. And since text and e-mail flirting can be done without having to look people in the eye, it’s bolder, racier and unrestrained without thought on whether the message could be misinterpreted or should even be sent at all. “Flirt texting is a topic everyone finds fascinating, although not much research is out there yet.” says Abbey. “People are often more willing to disclose intimate details via the Internet, so the process may escalate more quickly.” A University of Florida study of 86 participants in a chat room published in Psychology Today in 2003 found that while nearly all those surveyed felt they were initially simply flirting with a computer, not a real person, nearly a third of them eventually had a face-to-face meeting with someone they chatted with. All but 2 of the couples who met went on to have an affair.
Whether the people who eventually cheated went to the site with the intention of doing so or got drawn in by the fantasy of it all wasn’t clear.

Affairs

Many people who flirt off-line aren’t typically looking for an affair. But one of the things about married flirting is that it has a much greater degree of danger and fantasy to it. The stakes are high and risks are great, even if the likelihood of anything happening is slim. But for some, it’s a highly addictive drug.
Therapists say that people who cheat are often not so much dissatisfied with their spouse as with themselves and the way their lives have turned out. There is little that feels more affirming and revitalizing than having someone fall in love with you — and little that feels less affirming than being cheated on.

Safety on Dates

If you’re cyber dating, using the personals or a dating agency, it’s a good idea to arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste time if it doesn’t work. Don’t lead anyone on if they’re not your fancy — which might turn into stalking — by being polite in saying “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.” Stick to an area that’s well lit with plenty of people around. Better yet, meet in a place where you’re known so the person you’re with can be identified. Talk to the waiter / waitress so it’s obvious you’ve been seen with them.
Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history.
Give the details of your date to several friends — where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you’re OK, and phone them a few hours later to report in again.

Go Forth and Flirt

By now you’ve become an expert in the sphere of flirtation, armed with the best tricks of the trade. Flirting is an elixir, a way of feeling more alive, more vital, and more desirable without actually endangering the happiness of anyone you love. So go ahead and flirt — if you can do it responsibly and without hurting anyone. You might even try it with your spouse and reap some fantastically tantalizing rewards.

Sources: BBC and Time

SMILE

2009-06-10T18:51:00.008+08:00

A smile is a facial expression formed by flexing those muscles most notably near both ends of the mouth. The smile can also be found around the eyes (See 'Duchenne smile' below). Among humans, it is customarily an expression denoting pleasure, happiness, or amusement, but can also be an involuntary expression of anxiety, in which case it is known as a grimace. Cross-cultural studies have shown that smiling is used as a means of communicating emotions throughout the world.[1] Happiness is most often the motivating cause of a smile. Among animals, the exposure of teeth, which may bear a resemblance to a smile, is often used as a threat or warning display - known as a snarl - or a sign of submission. In chimpanzees, it can also be a sign of fear. The study of smiles is a part of gelotology, psychology, and linguistics, comprising various theories of affect, humor, and laughter.

Many biologists think the smile originated as a sign of fear. Primalogist Signe Preuschoft traces the smile back over 30 million years of evolution to a "fear grin" stemming from monkeys and apes who often used barely clenched teeth to portray to predators that they were harmless. Biologists believe the smile has evolved differently among species and especially among humans.

Biology is not the only academic discipline that interprets the smile. Those who study kinesics view the smile as an affect display. It can communicate feelings such as love, happiness, pride, contempt, and embarrassment.
Although many different types of smiles have been identified and studied, researchers have paid particular attention to an anatomical distinction first recognized by French physician Guillaume Duchenne. While conducting research on the physiology of facial expressions in the mid-nineteenth century, Duchenne identified two distinct types of smiles. A Duchenne smile involves contraction of both the zygomatic major muscle (which raises the corners of the mouth) and the orbicularis oculi muscle (which raises the cheeks and forms crow's feet around the eyes). A non-Duchenne smile involves only the zygomatic major muscle. Many researchers believe that Duchenne smiles indicate genuine spontaneous emotions since most people cannot voluntarily contract the outer portion of the orbicularis oculi muscle.

http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongbeauty/tp/smiling.htm

Top 10 Reasons to Smile
Smiling is a great way to make yourself stand out while helping your body to function better. Smile to improve your health, your stress level, and your attractiveness. Smiling is just one fun way to live longer read about the others and try as many as you can.
1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive
We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away -- but a smile draws them in.
2. Smiling Changes Our Mood
Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.
3. Smiling Is Contagious
When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.
4. Smiling Relieves Stress
Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take action.
5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System
Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.
6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure
When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?
7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin
Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.
8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger
The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day -- you'll look younger and feel better.
9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful
Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.
10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive
Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It's hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that "Life is Good!" Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.

'Love Thy enemies'"

2009-06-09T19:46:00.002+08:00

Hatred kills.

There is nothing earth shaking about that statement. The wars in the Balkans demonstrate this. There are people there who hate other people and who do everything they can to eliminate the other people. There are atrocities taking place every day. The innocent, particularly children, die. I've been to London three times, and all three times a bomb went off. This is the result of centuries of hatred between the English and the Irish. But we don't have to go so far to find hatred. People are being attacked on our American highways, in the cities and even in the suburbs all due to hatred. The Klu Klux Klan, Skinheads, and other Fascist orientated groups feed on hatred.

Hatred kills.

There two victims of hatred: the person who is physically hurt and the person who hates. The foremost victim of hatred is the person who hates. Hatred transforms a person from a compassionate human being, to a person whose main concern is to seek vengeance on someone who the person feels has wronged them. Life is consumed with the desire for retaliation and reprisal. Maybe this vengeance will not be seen in a physical attack. It very well may result in a verbal attack or a destruction of another person's reputation. The fact is that the person who hates has transformed his or her life. This person cannot be the loving person Christ called him or her to be.

Hatred kills.

If God is love, than how can a Christian hate? The Christian who hates is sacrificing Christianity for the sake of the hate. Again, the Christian who hates is the first victim of hate.

Hatred kills.

"But, Father", you say, "I have really been treated poorly by my ex husband or wife, by my sister in law or brother in law. Every meeting is a battle with all sorts of nasty things emanating from this person I am supposed to love. How am I supposed to handle these situation?" Well, we have got to let go of the past. We can't let the past destroy us. We can still love those who have hurt us. In fact, we have to love them. Perhaps it was with tongue in cheek that St. Paul tells us and the Romans to love our enemies because it will drive them crazy: "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." (12:20). What drives them crazy is that it is difficult to respond to kindness with nastiness. Many will continue to try to be nasty, but it isn't easy.

Still, the call to love those who hurt us does not mean that we should seek their company so we can endure further hurt. Sometimes it is just the best thing to have less contact with someone who has caused us bad feelings. The important thing is that we limit our contact not to hurt the other person, but to control the feelings within us which can lead to the destruction of our own lives through hatred.
We can't let hatred kill us.

Overcoming Hatred

2009-06-09T19:22:00.001+08:00

Recently we heard of daily killings by human beings….everywhere! Everyday! This morning I heard over the news 12 men were shot dead while praying in a mosque is Southern Thailand… we heard of daily killings of the Jews and Arabs in Israel! The root cause of the killing is hatred…..these feeling has long been embedded and sow over years….Why? Some say that is a territorial problem…Why? What drive these people to kill…is hatred one of the reasons? Human is very complex… could not understand why the hatred among fellow human being! What sow the seeds of hatred?

…how do we eliminate these hatred?....
Lets examine some psychologist research papers that cuts across the cultural boundaries….
Some Q that needs to be answered…..
How does my behavior reflect hatred? What causes my hatred?
What are some examples of my hatred?What are some negative effects of my hatred?
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?How can I overcome my hatred?Steps to overcoming hatred
How does my behavior reflect hatred?
When I hate a person or a group of people, I:
* harbor the most extreme level of anger possible against them.
* ignore and avoid them; they don't exist for me.
* am easily aggravated by their behavior, looks, or attitudes.
* get agitated when I think about them; it gets worse when I am in their presence.
* have an antagonistic attitude toward them.
* find myself being cruel, vicious, vindictive or revengeful with them.
* exhibit inflamed, incensed, ill-tempered or disagreeable behavior if the topic of conversation turns to them.
* become rude, belligerent, combative, enraged, or intolerant with them.
* act bigoted, prejudiced, callous, insensitive or malicious toward them.
* fantasize murderous, violent, bloodthirsty, inhuman, sadistic ideas about them.
* become dogmatic, critical, malicious, and severe in my judgment and statements about them.
* look unfriendly, unfeeling, unlikable, unmerciful, sullen, sulky, or spiteful whenever I talk to or about them.
* become enraged, wrathful and piqued when I hear their name mentioned in any positive way.
* find myself being cold, distant, aloof, uncaring and obstinate in my discussions with them or about them.
* act offended, opposed, provoked or irritated when they speak to me.
* deliberately misunderstand them.
What causes my hatred?
My hatred toward a person or a group of people is rooted in my belief that they have:
* treated me unfairly or abused me.
* acted in such a way that my future success was imperiled or adversely affected.
* unjustly accused me of wrong doing.
* laid a guilt trip on me, preventing me from taking care of myself in a healthy way.
* never given me a chance to be my own person and to feel good about myself.
* adversely affected my personal development and contributed to my lowered self-esteem and self-worth.
* said things about me that I can't forgive or forget.
* acted in such a way that my resentment and rage are the only possible responses.
* exhibit qualities, behavior patterns or characteristics that present great physical or emotional danger to me.
* a horrible reputation, stigma or myth about them that is hard to refute or disprove.
* had something better than what I have and are unwilling to share it with me.
* had life easier than I, and haven't had to work as hard as I to survive.
* no desire to help me reach material or emotional success in life.
* wretched, vile, loathsome personalities that breed misery and pain for me.
* attacked my reputation or honor, in reality or imagination.
* been obstinate, unwilling to submit to my control, power, supervision or guidance.
* been a threat, either real or imagined, to my sense of security, well-being and contentment.
* never understood my needs and have ignored me because of this.
* never given me approval, recognition, or reinforcement for the "good'' person that I am.
* only pointed out my failures.* betrayed the trust and faith I once placed in them.
* been the underlying reasons for my unhappiness today.
* been controlling, manipulative, sneaky, ruthless and scheming in their dealings with me.
* hostile, hateful and hypercritical ways of dealing with me.
* been "power mad'' in their attempts to control me.
What are some examples of my hatred?
My hatred toward individuals is reflected in the following statements:
* I could never be "good'' enough for him.
* No matter how hard I tried, I never felt her love.
* I was abused (physically, verbally or emotionally) by him.
* She abandoned me long ago.
* He lied, cheated and stole from me.
* Her lust for other men was insatiable; I was left alone.
* I still feel the pain of her rejection.
* If he had done what I asked him to do in the first place, this wouldn't be happening to me now.
* She deserves everything she has coming to her.
* I am this way because of the way she treated me.
My hatred toward groups of people are reflected in the following statements:
* They are all just alike: No good!* You can't trust any of them.
* They only want to use, abuse and then discard you.
* They are what is keeping our country from being great.
* If you give them an inch they'll take a mile.
* You can never turn your back on them.
* They all have it so much easier then I do; they don't deserve it.
* Their one goal in life is to control others.
* They always win no matter what. Why play the game?
What are some negative effects of my hatred?
Because of my hatred toward a person or group of people, I find that I am:
* never fully happy or content.* bitter and cold toward almost everybody in my life.
* not sought out by others to be a friend.* socially isolated and lonely.
* caustic, hostile, sarcastic and cynical.* embittered, saddened and desolate a good part of the time.
* lacking in enthusiasm, energy and spontaneity in my daily life.
* cold, distant and aloof in my dealings with others.
* mistrusting, paranoid and suspicious in my relationships.
* stuck in my quest for healthy self-esteem.* guilty over the negative feelings that I can't let go of.
* easily provoked to anger and my "hot buttons'' are pushed when the person or group of people I hate is mentioned in any positive way.
* wasteful in the expenditure of my emotional energy by venting my chronic negative feelings.
* prone to over-compensate by behaving in a completely opposite way from those I hate.
* unable to get on with my life; I tend to dwell on or blame everything on my past.
* touchy, highly emotional, or overly sensitive when my "hateful'' behavior is pointed out to me.
* defensive about my right to hold on to my hateful beliefs.
* more focused on those I hate than on myself and my personal growth.
* closed to the suggestion to forgive and forget the past and get on with the present.
* prone to lose sight of my personal power and my ability to chose what I want to feel or do.
* overwhelmed by my bitterness and anger.* unable to be optimistic.
* unwilling to believe that it is my choice to feel hatred.
* stubborn, unwilling to accept that often people have done the best that they could knowing what they did at the time.
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?
* They should have known better.* No one should have to go through what I have in my lifetime.
* They should have known how badly they were making me feel.* He should not have been so mean to me.
* She should not have left me the way she did.* I should have been recognized for all the good things I did.
* He should not have been so manipulative with me.* She should have done the things I told her to do.
* They should have recognized my goodness, talent, competency and worth and told me so.
* What good is it to forgive and forget the past now?* I will never trust another human being again.
* My life should be easier than it is.* If only I had had good luck and the benefits of others--e.g., education, money, good looks--I would be a happy person.
* No matter how hard a person works he will never change his fate.* I am always taken advantage of and always end up a loser in relationships.
* All _______ are bad. (Parents, men, women, children, Jews, blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, Polish, Italians, Arabs, psychologists, doctors, lawyers, car salesmen, insurance companies, or your personal object of hate.)
How can I overcome my hatred?
To overcome my hatred of a person or group of people I need to:
* assess my hatred: Is it based on what is real or on what is imagined?
* determine if the person or group of people intentionally set out to hurt, abuse, neglect, or mistreat me.
* analyze whether or not the person or group of people knew how negatively I was being affected by them.
* identify what relevant facts were lacking for the person or group of persons in their dealings with me.
* analyze what my thinking was like at the time I was being mistreated.
* identify the irrational component of my thinking about this mistreatment and replace it with more rational and realistic thinking.
* perform anger work-out sessions until I have exhausted my hatred to the point where I can forgive and forget the past.
* admit that even if a person set out to hurt me, knowing full well how badly I would feel, it does me no good to harbor this hatred. It exhausts my emotional energy. I need to let go of it and get on with my life.
Steps to overcoming hatred
Step

The Hatred Parable

There once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so when she was 18 she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The other daughter, who was 10 at the time, stayed home until she was 22. Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her parents.The first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like slaves.Several years after her divorce she was living alone 1,500 miles from her parents and sister. It had been 15 years since she left home. Her younger sister had been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing, she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger sister.The older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden from them for the past 15 years.In the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and Dad? The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.Back home, the two letters were received, read and shared by the parents and the younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer idea of what she really wanted from them.
About this Author
James J Messina, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with more than 35 years of experience counseling individuals and families. Messina, who specializes in adult and children psychotherapy, serves as Director of Psychological Services at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital in Tampa, Fla. He has a private practice in Tampa and is also a member of the American Psychological Association.

Why Step Relationships Aren't Easy

2009-06-08T19:06:00.001+08:00

By Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.
.... this article is dedicated to Intan & Zul....U have been a role model in showing the way.....

http://library.adoption.com/articles/keeping-parental-influence-in-perspective.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/the-predictive-responsibility-of-parents.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/addiction-and-the-problem-of-psychological-dependence.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/sibling-conflict.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/preventing-the-contagion-of-stress.html

When two people remarry with one or both having children, they must double up their adjustment. They do not have the luxury of simply marrying as partners. They must commit to the complexity of learning to marry as parents, too. This parental dimension to their union requires additional communication as they not only work out how to function as a couple, but as a family, as well. If they want to keep their marriage together, they must keep their parenting together. They must never allow the child to become divisive of the marriage - to cause them to feel they are on opposing sides in the parental relationship. They must always stay on the same side with both of them wanting to support dialogue and decisions that preserve the union they have created. "We really see this situation differently, and that's okay. Let's talk until we understand each other's point of view and work out a position we can both support."
The Entry Adjustment

Before remarriage, honeymoon harmony may have reigned among them all, with everyone on his/her best behavior, playing together but not living together. However, once they actually form a blended family unit, the easy-going shine quickly wears off, and hard reality sets in. Now, differences between stepparent and stepchildren over household conduct, between parent and stepparent over child raising, between parent and children over respect for the new marriage, begin to irritate family relationships, causing conflicts as incompatibilities become hard to deny and harder to accept.

"Your kids never pick anything up!"
"Our stepparent is a neat freak!"
"You care more about your new marriage than you do for us!"
"Who comes first, your kids or me?"
"Why can't you both just get along for my sake?"

Complaints, complaints! Unhappily, the couple may wonder: "Why can't everyone just enjoy each other's company?" That's a good question. Knowing some of the answers allows the couple to develop realistic expectations and make effective choices that can help remarriage with children work.

Adjustment to Parental Remarriage

It can frustrate a remarried mother or father to have a child whose discontent threatens to spoil the happiness that parent seeks. "Why must you make things so difficult at a time when I want everything to go well?" At this point it is worth remembering that remarriage is an adult decision, selfishly made, at least for one of the parents, for his or her personal happiness. Like divorce, it is not a decision either made by the child or for the child's sake. And, it is not a decision that necessarily pleases the child who may feel jerked around by family changes over which he or she had no control. "I liked things better living with my parent alone, and I still miss having Mom and Dad and us all together." Divorce and remarriage both create a powerful conflict of interest between parent and child. These family changes are chosen to advance happiness of the parent, to some degree at the child's felt expense.

Being Taken Through One's Parents' Changes

The transition from parental marriage to parental divorce to parental remarriage creates a host of changes for the child to accept.
Divorce ends living all together in the original family and creates separate households, while remarriage means learning to live on daily intimacy with a step parent whose ways are unfamiliar and who is in many ways a stranger. "It feels awkward living with some adult I hardly know."
Divorce and remarriage also alters caring. In the original family caring felt unconditional; then divorce questioned the constancy of caring (as parents lost love for each other); and, now, in remarriage caring from and for the step parent can feel conditional. "We like each other when we get along, and we don't like each other when we don't."
In the original family, both parents were fully there; divorce meant one parent was always gone; and with remarriage the resident parent is only partly there. "I get less time with my parent now that my stepparent is here."
In the original family, the child assumed the parents would always be together; divorce meant accepting they would never be together again; remarriage means parent and stepparent will be together for the foreseeable future. "First they tear up the old family, then they expect me to get used to a new one!"
In the original family, parents were the same as the child had always known them; with freedom from divorce each parent starts making personal changes; and with remarriage the influence of the stepparent changes how the mother or father has always parented. "What I hate most about your remarriage is the way you've changed!"
And these are just some of the adjustments a child must make.

Attachment Expectations

One particular area of adjustment about which there can be unrealistic parental expectations is concerning the child's attachment to the parent's new partner. Central to the dream of a happy remarriage may be the dream of a loving bond between child and stepparent. Chances for this to occur are largely dependent on how old the child is at the time of parental remarriage. The watershed age when acceptance tends to become harder is the onset of early adolescence, around years nine or ten, when the developmental separation from childhood commonly begins. Below that age, significant attachment is more likely to occur; but above that age, adolescence makes bonding much more difficult. Divorce and remarriage tend to intensify the natural grievance and rebellion of adolescence. Sense of injury and being treated unfairly by disruptive family change can fuel the young person's anger. The stepparent is an easy target for this resentment since in this relationship there is no history of love so there's no love to lose. Now the stepparent/stepchild relationship is easily inflamed by mutual blame, each one scapegoating and stereotyping the other for what is wrong in the family, pitting the "evil" stepparent who is always "mean and moody" against the "no good kid" who is " bad mannered and uncooperative." To prevent these stereotypes from taking hold, rather than stepparent and stepchild having less to do with each other (which is what they want), they actually need more time alone together to allow contact to inform their judgments with knowledge, and not allow separation to reinforce their prejudices with ignorance.

Realistic Expectations for the Step Relationship

A parent's realistic expectations for attachment between stepparent and stepchild when that child is in adolescence are these. It is realistic for the parent to expect, and insist, that the teenager treat the stepparent with respect, even when that young person wishes this outside adult could just go away. It is realistic for the parent to expect the stepparent to care about what happen to the stepchild even when the stepparent does not at the moment much care for the stepchild's attitude or behavior. It is also realistic to expect that many of the differences the stepparent brings into the family -- of sex role definition, of personality, of skills, of knowledge, of interests -- can all be turned to positive value for the stepchild when they create an opportunity to learn and grow and profit from this association. This is not to recommend divorce and remarriage, but increased diversity of family life is not simply a cause for divisiveness, it is a source of additional richness as well. To encourage taking advantage of this positive side, it helps if the stepparent clarifies that he or she is not in any way competing with, or trying to supplant, the absent biological parent. "I'm not your real parent and have no desire to be. But I am your real stepparent, and exactly what that means is something you and I will have to work out together. Hopefully, we can make it into a relationship we can both enjoy."

Dealing With Step Family Differences

Step relationships mix people up by increasing the mix of individual differences in a family. These differences are often incompatible and make accommodating and fitting in hard to do. When two cultures come together for the first time, some clashes are bound to occur. "Whose way is the right way?" is the common denominator for many conflicts as stepparent and parent (plus children) work out on whose terms they will live, which way of family life will prevail. The outcome is always some mix of the two, each side in the partnership giving up more traditional practices and tolerating more change than was originally anticipated. "I never thought I'd learn to live this way!" From "my way" and from "your way" the couple comes to define "our way," and the stepfamily starts creating a cultural identity of its own. From the outset of remarried life, there will be stepchild behavior and parenting practices that seem acceptable to the parent, but are offensive to the stepparent. "How can you let them act like that? Why haven't you taught them any better?" And immediately the parent feels put on the spot. "There's nothing wrong with their behavior, you're just not used to normal kids!" In remarriage, stepchildren come to represent the cultural divide between parent and stepparent. To attack child raising differences by attacking each other, arguing over who is right and who is wrong, will not serve the new marriage partners well. It will only polarize and antagonize their relationship. Parent and stepparent will never see the children through the same perceptual lens. Typically, the parent sees the child more affirmatively ("He is really trying!"), and the stepparent sees the child more critically ("He is not trying hard enough!"). The parent (attached and approving) tends to see the glass (the child) as half-full, and the stepparent (fatigued and frustrated) tends to see the glass as half empty. Parent and stepparent need to turn their contrasting perspectives to advantage. What the parent has to offer is constancy and acceptance. "Loving who they are is always more important to me than always liking how they act." What the stepparent has to offer is distance and perspective. "Sometimes I can see what your kids need more objectively than you can." It is this mix of parental acceptance and stepparent perspective that can be combined to great advantage, depth of caring and breadth of vision both contributing the children's well being. Love can blind the parent to problems the stepparent is willing to see. Frustration can cause the stepparent to give up on the child to whom the parent remains loyally committed.

The Discussion Contract

In their discussions over the children, it helps enormously if parent and stepparent agree to the following contractual exchange. When an issue over the stepchild's behavior arises, the stepparent will express that concern to the parent with utmost tact, not putting the parent on the defensive by voicing complaints, comparisons, or criticism. Instead, communication is kept as objective and non-evaluative as possible. "I don't agree with how your child is choosing to act, and I would like to talk with you about trying to change that behavior." In return, the parent will be continually mindful of the stepparent's efforts to help create a family for the stepchild, expressing this partner's appreciation to the stepparent for hanging in there with a child not his or her own. The stepparent needs appreciation because the stepchild is not likely to give it. And the parent needs tact because it is so easy to feel defensive on one's child's behalf.

Role Pressures

In addition, it helps for each partner to be sensitive to stepfamily pressures that complicate each other's role. To be the parent in the remarried family often means feeling torn apart by conflicting loyalties and sympathies, caught in the middle between two loved ones who sometimes can't stand each other, each coming to the parent/partner to confide complaints. Of course, the good part of being in the middle is getting twice as much love as either of the two occasional antagonists. How much of the conflict between spouse and child to mediate and how much to let them just work out is an ongoing dilemma. In general, the more stepparent and stepchild are allowed to work out their differences directly, the less often the parent will intervene and feel caught in the painful middle. One approach that usually helps is for stepparent and stepchild to have some times with just the two of them together without the parent present. In this situation there is no parent time and attention to vie for, so each is usually more open to finding ways to get along. To be the stepparent is to feel continually affronted by parenting values and stepchild behavior that seem unacceptable, to wonder whether to speak up or not, or to make an invisible effort to get along by shutting up about a lot. "Swallowing offenses" is how one stepfather described it. Since these efforts at tolerance and restraint are not seen by anyone else, they are not credited as effort, hence the problem of invisibility. In addition, there is often the frustration of being discounted by the stepchild who ignores the stepparent's presence and opinions, treating the parent as the only adult in the family who matters, the only adult worth talking to or seeking out for companionship. If this dismissive conduct is going on, the parent can insist on more respectful treatment. "I expect you to treat your stepparent with the same courtesy and respect that we give you." These are the pains that come with the two roles. The parent often feels caught in the middle, unable to do right by one loved one without doing wrong in the eyes of the other. The stepparent often feels like an invisible and discounted family member whose efforts at adjustment, tolerance, and restraint are unseen and unappreciated. For the sake of the marriage, the parent can recognize the stepparent's efforts, thereby reducing discomfort from invisibility, and the stepparent can work out differences with the stepchild without pulling the parent into the middle.

Time for the Marriage

Finally, there is the abiding importance of parent and stepparent making and taking sufficient time alone and apart to shed parental roles and concerns and just enjoy being together as partners. Becoming life partners is the primary reason why they got together in the first place. And, when they are back into parental role, the parent can explain how there is not one but two ways he or she experiences the stepparent's love. "When you treat me as your loving partner, and when you treat my children with love, in both ways do I experience your love for me." To which the stepparent can reply: "When you love me as your partner and as co-parent of your children, in both ways do I experience your love for me." Remarriage with stepchildren is at least twice as hard as marriage with mutual children or with none, but well done, it can be twice as rewarding, too.

My Maiden Posting~Our 6th. Anniversary & Beloved Wife Birthday...

2009-05-11T00:50:00.000+08:00

This is my first posting since I begin to BLOG...what ever that means. Not out of boredom but out of the need to pen my thoughts and not to be missed understood by my loved ones... Today is my 6th Anniversary followed by my Wife's birthday the day after....so I was wondering what to get her for this special occasion. I did ask her what she wanted for the special occasion and the answer she gave is her usual self...." I have everything I need..." Well....true to the words she has everything she needs... !!!

It then click my mind maybe I should confer her a medal? Honour? Nay...she doesn't need that either....after much consideration and all HER sacrifices, efforts, love, tender care and the troubles she has to put up with my nonsense, she has done a bloody wonderful excellent job despite having a career of her own. What facinate me most is how SHE has taken excellent care of my little Fatini & Emir! Not only has she plan for their education but also their caracter development...which is more important for their future.

To all her close blogging friends and relatives, please join me in congratulating my beloved wife (http://www.elegmum-allmyheart.blogspot.com/) on her birthday and thanking her for her efforts to be the Ideal Women like KHADIJAH BINTI KHUWAILID, the wife of Nabi MUHAMMAD SAW......

Mummy, Happy Birthday...We love U so much...Papa,Fatini & Emir

Wanita Terbaik di Muka Bumi
Riwayat Muslim dan al-Bukhari mengatakan sebaik-baik wanita adalah Maryam Binti 'Imran dan Khadijah Binti Khuwailid. Justeru itu Khadijah mempunyai kedudukan yang istimewa di hati Rasulullah s.a. w. meskipuan sesudah meninggal dunia ia dicemburui oleh 'Aisyah r.a. Bukti kesayangan nabi kepada Khadijah ialah riwayat 'Aisyah yang mengatakan setiap kali keluar dari rumah nabi Muhammad s.a.w. akan memuji Khadijah sehinggalah pada suatu hari 'Aisyah merasai cemburu lalu meluncur dari mulutnya: Tidak adakah yang lain dapat mengganti si tua itu?Rasulullah menjawab dengan marahnya: Demi Allah!Tidak ada yang dapat menggantikan dari segi kebaikan selain darinya.Dia beriman ketika manusia kufur,dia membenarkan aku ketika orang lain membohongi ku,dia bersimpati dengan hananya ketika orang lain mengalangi ku.Allah menganugerahkan kepadaku darinya anak dan tidak perempuan lain.
Perkahwinan baginda Rasulullah s.a.w.dengan wanita ideal ini membawa ke akhir hayat. Khadijah pada masa itu sudah berusia enam puluh lima tahun.Muhammad s.a.w. pula berusia lima puluh tahun. Selama bersama khadijah dua puluh lima tahun Muhammad tidak pemah berniat untuk berkahwin lagi. Hanya selepas kewafatan Khadijah barulah Rasulullah s.a. w. berkahwin dengan 'Aisyah dan isteri-isteri lain-Iain (ibid:53).
Riwayat Hidup
Nama penuh beliau ialah Khadijah Binti Khuwalid bin Asad bin 'Abdul 'Uzza bin Qusay bin Kilab bin Murrah. Dari Qusay bin Kilab bertemu nasab beliau dengan Rasulullah s.a.w.(A.Guillaume,1978:82). Sejak zaman Jahiliah kedudukan Khadijah amat tinggi dengan keturunan yang baik juga keperibadian beliau yang cukup dihormati. Faktor keturunan,kebijaksanaan,kecantikan dan kekayaan terkumpul pada dirinya segala kelebihan dan kebaikan(Qadariyyah Husin,t.t. :8). Beliau juga adalah seorang pengurus yang berjaya.Ibn Kathir mensifatkan Khadijah adalah seorang yang cukup matang,berpandangan jauh(Ibn Kathir,1971:262). Ini terbukti dari pemilihannya menjadikan Muhammad sebagai suaminya walau pun dia lebih tua dari suaminya itu. Adalah luar biasa,Khadijah berupaya mengangkat martabat dirinya ketika adat masyarakat jahiliah merendah-rendahkan taraf wanita.Beliau hidup di tengah kemungkaran,tetapi mampu menepis segala gejala buruk itu sehinggakan beliau dikenali sebagai('Afifah Tahirah).
Perkahwinan beliau dengan nabi Muhammad s.a.w. membawa kebahagiaan sejati. Apabila wahyu pertama diturunkan dia lah yang pertama beriman.Ketika Rasulullah s.a. w. dilakukan sewenang-wenang, dia jualah yang menjadi perisai. Justeru itu beliau mengorbankan seluruh harta kekayaann a untuk perjuangan Rasululla, s.a. w. Apabila beliau wafat maka tahun itu dinamakan "tahun dukacita"bagi Rasulullah. Selepas bertemu Rasulullah s.a. w. beliau meninggalkan segala kemewahan dan kesenangan hidup untuk berabdi diri kepada Tuhan dan berjuang menegakkan kebenaran. Penganut Islam amat bersyukur atas segala jasanya itu. Beliau menumpukan perhatian kepada suami dan anak-anak serta penyebaran Islam.
Lambang Kasih Seorang Isteri
Kasih sayang dan saling mengerti serta kecenderungan yang sarna
Adalah punca keharmonian rumahtangga. Inilah yang terjadi kapada pasangan ideal ini.Mereka bertemu jodoh dengan pilihan masing-masing yang tepat. Nabi SAW Muhammad cukup bertuah seperti juga Khadijah amat bertuah kerana mendapat pasangan secucuk dan sepadan. Ia hubungan kesetiaan yang tiada tolak bandingnya,memberikan contoh teladan dalam kasih sayang dan pengorbanan.Masing-masing bersedia menanggung kesusahan dan bersedia memberi pertolongan. Khadi'ah melaksanakan segala kewajipan dan tanggung jawab sehingga Nabi Muhammadtmendapat kedamaian yang tiada bandingan(Qadariyyah,op.cit:20). Kehadiran Khadijah dalam kehidupan nabi memberi suatu kekuatan dan tenaga pendorong untuk menghadapi tugas yang amat berat. Beliau menjadi temanhidup yang dapat menghilangkan kesepian,memberi hiburan di kala duka, malah rela berkorban sepanjang masa.
Semasa suaminya berangkat ke gua-gua di sekitar Mekah untuk bersedirian,dia mempersiapkan bekalan yang diperlukan.Jika suaminya lambat pulang dia amat gelisah.Bila dilihat suaminya bermunajat dia merasa tenang dan sabar tanpa mengomel. Sebenamya,bukanlah suatu perkara yang enteng bagi seorang isteri menahan kesabaran untuk suami yang sering meninggalkan rumah dengan alasan untuk beribadat,terutama pada zaman jahiliah yang penuh kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran. Sekiranya Khadijah mengikutkan perasaan sudah pasti dia memprotes perbuatan Rasulullah itu. Tetapi Khadijah mempunyai keyakinan yang teguh terhadap suaminya itu. Dua puluh lima tahun bersama Rasulullah Khadijah sumber kebahagiaan,ketenangan ,kemesraan yang mendalam. Dia meninggalkan contoh terbaik sebagai suri yang patuh dan taat.
Khadijah Ibu Sejati
Tidak banyak fakta sejarah yang secara jelas menulis tentang peranan Khadijah sebagai ibu.Namun ada disebut anaknya dengan Rasulullah seramai tujuh orang. Anak lelaki kesemuanya meninggal iaitu al-Qasim,Tahir dan Tayyib. Hanya anak perempuan yang kekal hidup iaitu Zainab,Ruqayyah, Umm Kalthum dan Fatimah(Abdul Salam Harun,1977:44).
Apa yang difahami dia amat memberikan perhatian berat kepada pendidikan anak-anak perempuan ini. Ibu adalah guru pertama bagi anak muslim. Khadijah mendidik sendiri anak-anaknya bersama Rasulullah. Zainab anak sulung dilatih sejak awal bukan dalam keadaan manja,tetapi lebih cepat matang. Zainab menjadi "ibu kecil" bagi adik-adiknya. Dia ditugas mengawasi adiknya Fatimah,mengisi waktu dengan bermain,apalagi ibunya sudah agak berumur(Binti sl Syati,1975:85).
Pendidikan melalui tauladan menjadi teras bagi Khadijah. Hasil didikannya tidaklah aneh jika anak-anaknya seperti Ruqayyah dan Fatimah mampu bersabar dan mampu pula menghadapi kesulitan hidup. Sebab dari buah dikenal pokoknya, demikian kata pepatah Melayu, maka itulah jua yang berlaku kepada Khadijah,Keunggulan beliau sebagai ibu dikenal melalui sahsiah anak-anaknya.