Only weak people shout

I believe the greatest sign of human weakness is when people shout. In fact, I think people who shout are stupid and are the lowest types of untalented characters. These people think that shouting will make others listen to them and do whatever they ask of them, but this is mostly false. The only time shouting will work is when the person being shouted at has low self-esteem, but people who respect themselves and know they deserve better will never succumb to the demands of a shouting individual.

People who think yelling will make others fear and obey them are simply jerks that will never get any respect. Some people may seem two-faced and only scream at others in certain situations and in certain places. People from different backgrounds and upbringings are different. Not everyone is the same.

I'm the master and I can shout whenever I want to!" This sentiment is not true at all. Being the boss or head of the family does not entitle you to the right to shout at others and put people down. People who do this are abusers, and it is no wonder that employees tend to hate their screaming bosses and hope for them to disappear! Some sponsors treat their maids and drivers badly, and shouting at them becomes a habit. This verbal abuse can push anyone to despair and can even lead some people into a life of crime.

Why do people shout at others? I think those who scream at other people are arrogant and have sick personalities. They lack trust in themselves and hate who they are. They want to release their pressures and frustration at others and direct their rage at the weakest people around them who are helpless to their verbal attacks. Doing so reaffirms their skewed ideas of superiority over others.

What should you do if someone shouts at you? Don't take it. You can sometimes use fire with fire, but this method can sometimes lead to worse outcomes. You can ignore the person and never deal with them again. If the boss is the culprit, you can tell him to his face that you do not approve of such treatment. If you work for someone who does not respect you, they are really not worth your time.

Is it embarrassing and degrading to be yelled at? Yes, but you can let it go, and you can learn how to handle such abuse. You can tell the person to release his frustration somewhere else. Keep your distance afterwards and don't think he will not shout again. Learn to deal with the shouting wisely and firmly.

muna@kuwaittimes.net

What's in a Kiss?

A kiss — the pairing or touching of lips — is typically an expression of affection, greeting or farewell, and intensely as an expression of romantic affection or sexual desire. Parents kiss children, worshippers kiss religious artifacts and couples kiss each other. Kisses take on a number of figurative meanings in folklore, literature, and art, ranging from the betrayal — with Judas’ kiss — to the life-giving symbolism of movies such as The Little Mermaid.
The word comes from Old English cyssan ‘to kiss,’ in turn from coss ‘a kiss.’ Anthropologists report that 90% of the people in the world kiss. So how does one gesture come to signify affection, celebration, grief, comfort and respect, world-wide?
Evolution

Anthropologists have yet to reach a consensus as to whether kissing is a learned or an instinctive behavior, but many believe it may be related to grooming behavior seen between other animals, or a result of mothers premasticating food for their children. After the babies learned to eat solid food, their mothers may have kissed them to comfort them or to show affection.
Bonobo apes, which are closely related to humans, kiss one another frequently. Regardless of sex or status within their social groups, bonobos kiss to reduce tension after disputes, to reassure one another, and to develop social bonds. Many mammals lick one another’s faces, and birds touch one another’s bills. In some cases, the animals are grooming one another rather than kissing, while others are smelling scent glands located on face or in mouth. In these manners, they’re often showing signs of trust and affection or developing social bonds.
Biology

Kissing allows prospective mates to smell and taste each other’s pheromones for biological compatibility. Women are subconsciously more attracted to men whose major complex portion of their genome is different from their own, leading to offspring with resistance to a greater number of diseases with a better chance of survival. This explains why couples are more likely to bond if they have the right ‘chemistry.’ A study at the University of Albany found that women use kissing as a tool to find the right father for their children and judge men exclusively on the quality of the first kiss they share.
Effects of Kissing

Romantic kissing affects most people profoundly. The Kinsey Institute describes a person’s response to kissing as a combination of 3 factors:
1. Psychological response depends on your mental and emotional state and how you feel about the person kissing you. Kissing someone you want to kiss will generally encourage feelings of attachment and affection.2. Your body physically reacts to being kissed. Most people like to be touched, which is part of your body’s response to kissing. But kissing also affects everything from your blood to your brain.3. The culture in which you grew up plays a big part in how you feel about kissing. In most Western societies, people are conditioned to, look forward to and enjoy kissing. The behavior of the people around you and other social factors can dramatically affect how you respond to being kissed.
When a mother kisses a child’s bruise to make it feel better, psychological, physical and social factors play a part in the reaction to both. The same is true when friends kiss as a greeting, worshippers kiss religious symbols or siblings kiss and make up after an argument. No matter the type of kiss, they have one thing in common — they inspire feelings we think of as positive.
Manner of Kisses and Culture
Affection

In modern Western culture, kissing is most commonly an expression of affection, unlike many parts of the world where kissing is viewed as a means of respecting others. In Middle Eastern countries till recent times, kissing was only considered proper when between 2 men, 2 women, or parents kissing their children. Kissing was not looked upon as a sexual expression in the Middle East.
In Eastern European countries up to recent times, kissing between 2 men on the lips as a greeting or a farewell was as normal as the modern Western handshake. This custom has nearly died out due to Western influence. In the past, kissing wasn’t considered sexual in Slavic and Muslim countries.
Between people of close acquaintance, a kiss, often reciprocal, is offered as a greeting or farewell. This kind of kiss is typically made by brief contact of puckered lips to the skin of the cheek or no contact at all and merely performed in the air near the cheek with the cheeks touching. This is a common greeting in European and Latin American countries between a man and a woman or between 2 women, but also by 2 men in parts of Europe, the Middle East and Latin America, such as Argentina. But in most Western societies it’s often more acceptable for women to kiss each other than men kissing each other.
People sometimes kiss children to comfort them or show affection, and vice versa, usually on the forehead or cheek.
As an expression of romantic affection or sexual desire, kissing involves two people pressing their lips together, usually with much more intensity, and for a considerably longer period of time.
Symbolic Kissing

A ‘blown’ kiss using actions of the hand and the mouth to convey affection, typically when parting or when the partners are physically distant but can see each other.
Asymmetry in Kissing

To avoid a clash of noses while kissing, couples often turn their faces slightly to one side, thereby orienting their heads at an angle with respect to each other. Writing in Nature, psychologist Onur Güntürkün observed couples kissing in public places such as airports and parks. His research demonstrated that by a 2:1 ratio the direction of turn is more frequently to the right than to the left.
The History of the Kiss

Historians don’t know much about the early history of kissing, but 4 Vedic Sanskrit texts written in India around 1500 B.C. appear to describe people kissing.
The Indian poem “Mahabharata” describes kissing on the lips as a sign of affection. The “Mahabharata” was passed down verbally before being written down around 350 A.D. The Indian religious text “Vatsyayana Kamasutram,” or the “Kama Sutra,” also describes a variety of kisses, written in the 6th century A.D. Some anthropologists theorize that the Greeks learned about it when Alexander the Great invaded India in 326 B.C.
There aren’t many records of kissing in the Western world until the days of the Roman Empire. Romans used kisses to greet friends and family members, citizens kissed their rulers’ hands, and people kissed their romantic partners. The Romans distinguished 3 different types of kisses:Osculum — a friendship kiss on the cheekBasium — a kiss of affection on the lipsSavolium (or savium) — a lover’s deep kiss
The Romans also initiated several kissing traditions that have lasted to the present day. Couples became betrothed by kissing passionately in front of a group of people, which is likely why modern couples kiss at the end of wedding ceremonies. Kisses were used to seal legal and business agreements, and as part of political campaigns.
Christians often greeted one another with an ‘osculum pacis,’ or holy kiss. Tradition claimed the holy kiss caused a transfer of spirit between the two people kissing. Most researchers believe the purpose of this kiss was to establish familial bonds between the members of the church and to strengthen the community.
The Protestant Reformation removed the kiss from Protestant services entirely in the 1500’s. The holy kiss doesn’t typically play a role in modern Christian religious services, although some Christians do kiss religious symbols, including the Pope’s ring.
Until the 1400s, kissing under mistletoe was a major commitment, often meaning that a couple was engaged.
At the Diocleia festival at Megara in honour of Diocles, lover of Philolaus, a kissing contest was held in which boys would kiss a male judge, who awarded a laurel wreath to the boy he deemed the best kisser.
In the gospels, Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss on the cheek shortly before his crucifixion in the Garden of Gethsemane — a subversive use of the kiss.
Anatomy of a Kiss

Kissing is a complex behavior that requires significant muscular coordination — in fact, a total of 20 muscles working cooperatively. The most important muscle involved is the orbicularis oris — known as the kissing muscle — which runs around the outside of your mouth and used to pucker the lips. The tongue can also be an important part of the kiss.
About two-thirds of people tip their heads to the right while kissing. Scientists believe this preference starts before we’re born, when we tip our heads to the right in the womb. So muscles in your head, neck and shoulders tilt your head so your nose doesn’t collide with your partner’s nose.
Sensations involved in kissing aren’t confined to the mouth. Your facial nerve carries impulses between your brain and the muscles and skin in your face and tongue. While you kiss, it carries messages from your lips, tongue and face to your brain to tell it what’s going on. Your brain responds by ordering your body to produce:• Oxytocin, which helps people develop feelings of attachment, devotion and affection for one another• Dopamine, which plays a role in the brain’s processing of emotions, pleasure and pain• Serotonin, which affects a person’s mood and feelings• Adrenaline, which increases heart rate and plays a role in your body’s fight-or-flight response
When you kiss, these hormones and neurotransmitters rush through your body. Along with natural endorphins, they produce the euphoria most people feel during a good kiss. Your heart rate increases and your blood vessels dilate, so your entire body receives more oxygen than normal. You can also smell the person you’re kissing, and researchers have demonstrated a connection between smells and emotions.
World Records

The longest recorded kiss took place in New York City on December 5, 2001, between Louisa Almedovar and Rich Langley, lasting 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds.
The world record for the largest group kiss was set on July 22nd 2007 in Weston-Super-Mare at Channel 4’s T4 on the Beach. More than 32,000 people kissed for 20 seconds, smashing the previous record set in France by over 30,000 people.
On September 1, 2007, 6980 couples kissed for 10 seconds in Tuzla, Bosnia breaking the previous Guinness World Kissing Records of the Philippines and Hungary. The record currently awaits official certification.
The longest onscreen kiss was performed by Gregory Smith and Stephanie Sherrin in the 2005 film Kids in America which lasted just over 6 minutes.

How and Why We Flirt

There are but two very specific types of people who flirt — singles and those who are married. Single people flirt because, well, they’re single and therefore nobody is really obligated to talk to or do the ‘wild thing’ with them. But married people are more of an enigma — they’ve already found themselves a suitable significant other. So why do they persevere with the game, and how do we flirt to begin with?

Flirting Stats

Statistics vary but most experts agree it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if we’re attracted to someone. As much as we’d like to believe it all rests on that witty opening one-liner — sorry, it doesn’t.
55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.
33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice.
Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.

First Impressions

You need to get the body language down pat right off the bat or they won’t bother sticking around to find out how charming you are. Here’s a thought to make you feel dreadfully self-aware — before you’ve even uttered a word to the person you’ve got your eye on, your posture and the way you’ve walked is more than 80% of their first impression of you. We make snap judgments based on instinct but the fact is, nearly every facet of your personality is evident from your appearance, posture and the way you move.
So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals — and how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking — and the flirting — by learning to recognize them.

5 Expert Methods of Flirting

The Flirting Triangle When we look at people we’re unfamiliar with such as in a business situation, our eyes make a zig-zag motion — we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.
With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape — we look from eye to eye and down to include the nose and mouth. Once flirting begins, the triangle gets larger — it widens at the bottom to include parts of the body. The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we look from eye to eye — and the more time we spend looking at their mouth. It can be highly seductive when someone’s watching your mouth while you’re talking to them. It could be they’re fantasizing what it would be like to kiss you. A word of caution — don’t be overly overt in this method or you’ll only succeed at relaying a subliminal message of being a sexual predator to a female.

Mirroring

This is what separates a competent flirt from an expert — nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone’s behavior. If they lean forward to say something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back, sip their drink and look you in the eye, you pause and follow suit.
The philosophy is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they’re on the same level and mood as we are. But there are 2 major rules to become pro at this — only mirror positive body language, and capture the spirit rather than imitating them. Wait around 50 seconds as a rule of thumb before mimicking their gestures.

The Eyebrow Flash

When we first see someone we’re attracted to our eyebrows rise and fall, and they’ll do the same if they’re equally attracted. Watch closely and carefully, because it only lasts about a fifth of a second.
It’s an unconscious gesture replicated by every culture on the planet. Some experts claim it’s the most instantly recognized non-verbal sign of greeting we humans use.
But for practicing flirters, the thing is to watch for it when you meet someone you’re interested in. On the pro level, tell them you’re interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second while catching their eye for full impact. Nothing longer or you’ll fall from pro status to idiot.
Pointing Steal a glance at their feet and hands. We have a tendency to point toward the person we’re interested in — if we find them attractive, we’ll often point at them subconsciously with our hands, arms, feet, legs, and toes.
Photo Lippi
This is another subliminal message used on the pro level to make your intentions known. It’s often picked up unconsciously by the other person, without them really knowing why.
If you have your eye on someone across the room, point your body in their direction — even if you don’t make eye contact, they may take the hint.

Blinking

If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases, as does their blink rate.
Being the expert flirt you are, up the odds in your favor by increasing the blink rate of the person you’re talking to by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they’ll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, in turn making you both feel more attracted to one another.
Cues of Readiness Notice the sidelong glance paired with the weak smile, the slightly sustained gaze given? A woman tilting her head to the side a bit, exposing her soft, sensuous neck, or looking at it another way, her jugular? A man maintaining his body in an open, come-on-attack-me position, arms positioned to draw the eye to his impressive lower abdomen?

Scientists call all these little acts “contact-readiness” cues, because they indicate non verbally that you’re prepared for physical engagement. Experts of general body language call this “nonverbal leakage.”
These cues are a crucial part of the “heterosexual relationship initiation process.” In primal terms, they’re physical signals that you don’t intend to dominate, nor do you intend to flee — both effective messages potential mates must send before they can proceed to that awkward talking phase. They’re the opening line for the opening line.

Golden Rules of Body Language

Don’t judge based on one thing alone. Sitting with one’s arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture — but it could also mean they’re freezing cold, or hiding a freshly spilt drink on their shirt.
Don’t jump to conclusions — instead look for groups of behavior. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, they’re likely on the defensive. Most experts on body language follow the Rule of 4 — look for at least 4 signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Why We Flirt

One of the reasons we flirt is that we just can’t help ourselves — we’re programmed to do it by biology or culture. The Max Planck Institute in Germany filmed African tribes in the 1960’s and found that the African women did the exact same prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile that he saw in America. Some evolutionary biologists suggest that those who were pros at flirting maneuvers were more successful in quickly finding a mate and reproducing, and that the behavior therefore became widespread in all humans. “A lot of people feel flirting is part of the universal language of how we communicate, especially nonverbally.” says Jeffry Simpson, director of the social psychology program at the University of Minnesota. Simpson is currently studying the roles that attraction and flirting play during different times of a woman’s ovulation cycle. His research suggests that women who are ovulating are more attracted to flirty men. “The guys they find appealing tend to have characteristics that are attractive in the short term, which include some flirtatious behaviors.” he says.
He’s not sure why women behave this way, but it follows that men who have sex with ovulating women have a greater chance of procreating and passing on those flirty genes. But this is an unconscious choice, just as flirting isn’t always intentional. “With a lot of it, especially the nonverbal stuff, people may not be fully aware that they’re doing it.” says Simpson. “You don’t see what you look like. People may emit flirtatious cues and not be fully aware of how powerful they are.”

Flirting with Intent

But for the rest of you, you know who you are. Once you move into the verbal phase of flirting, it’s pretty much all intentional.
Flirtation is a game we play — a dance in which everyone knows the moves. “People can flirt outrageously without intending anything.” says Timothy Perper, who’s been researching flirting for 30 years. “Flirting captures the interest of the other person and says ‘Would you like to play?”

Flirting is Second Nature

The uncertainty of flirting is one of the most exhilarating things about the game. “Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes, not no.” says Perper. “So we engage ourselves in this complex game of maybe.” The game is anything but new — the first published guide on how to flirt was written about 2,000 years ago, Perper says, by author Ovid.
Once we’ve learned the game of maybe, it becomes second nature to us. Long after we need to play it, we’re still occupied by it because we’re better at it than at other games, and sometimes it becomes a social fallback position.
“We all learn rules for how to behave in certain situations, and this makes it easier for people to know how to act, even when nervous.” says Antonia Abbey, a psychology professor at Wayne State University.
Just as we learn a kind of script for how to behave in a restaurant or at a business meeting, she suggests, we learn a script for talking to the opposite sex. “We often enact these scripts without even thinking.” she says. “For some women and men, the script may be so well learned that flirting is a comfortable strategy for interacting with others.” In other words, when in doubt, we flirt.

Why Married People Flirt

What drives many already committed people to engage in the art of woo is often not doubt, but curiosity. Flirting “is a way of testing one’s mate-value and the possibility of alternatives — actually trying to see if someone might be available as an alternative.” says Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.
Evolutionary biologists claim the motivations are clear — mates and offspring die — flirting is somewhat like mating insurance.
Some may flirt to bring about renewed attention from your mate, which has advantages all its own.

For Benefits

Flirting can be an emotional resource to gain something — not usually for money, but for the intangibles — a better table, a juicier cut of meat, a discount, or to return a purchase without any hassles. It’s a handy social lubricant, reducing the friction of everyday difficulties, more like a strategically timed tip than a romantic advance. Flirting is almost mandatory in today’s times.

Online Flirting

The digital scene is all words and no body language — whether online or in text messages, nuance is nearly impossible. And since text and e-mail flirting can be done without having to look people in the eye, it’s bolder, racier and unrestrained without thought on whether the message could be misinterpreted or should even be sent at all. “Flirt texting is a topic everyone finds fascinating, although not much research is out there yet.” says Abbey. “People are often more willing to disclose intimate details via the Internet, so the process may escalate more quickly.” A University of Florida study of 86 participants in a chat room published in Psychology Today in 2003 found that while nearly all those surveyed felt they were initially simply flirting with a computer, not a real person, nearly a third of them eventually had a face-to-face meeting with someone they chatted with. All but 2 of the couples who met went on to have an affair.
Whether the people who eventually cheated went to the site with the intention of doing so or got drawn in by the fantasy of it all wasn’t clear.

Affairs

Many people who flirt off-line aren’t typically looking for an affair. But one of the things about married flirting is that it has a much greater degree of danger and fantasy to it. The stakes are high and risks are great, even if the likelihood of anything happening is slim. But for some, it’s a highly addictive drug.
Therapists say that people who cheat are often not so much dissatisfied with their spouse as with themselves and the way their lives have turned out. There is little that feels more affirming and revitalizing than having someone fall in love with you — and little that feels less affirming than being cheated on.

Safety on Dates

If you’re cyber dating, using the personals or a dating agency, it’s a good idea to arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste time if it doesn’t work. Don’t lead anyone on if they’re not your fancy — which might turn into stalking — by being polite in saying “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.” Stick to an area that’s well lit with plenty of people around. Better yet, meet in a place where you’re known so the person you’re with can be identified. Talk to the waiter / waitress so it’s obvious you’ve been seen with them.
Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history.
Give the details of your date to several friends — where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you’re OK, and phone them a few hours later to report in again.

Go Forth and Flirt

By now you’ve become an expert in the sphere of flirtation, armed with the best tricks of the trade. Flirting is an elixir, a way of feeling more alive, more vital, and more desirable without actually endangering the happiness of anyone you love. So go ahead and flirt — if you can do it responsibly and without hurting anyone. You might even try it with your spouse and reap some fantastically tantalizing rewards.

Sources: BBC and Time

SMILE

A smile is a facial expression formed by flexing those muscles most notably near both ends of the mouth. The smile can also be found around the eyes (See 'Duchenne smile' below). Among humans, it is customarily an expression denoting pleasure, happiness, or amusement, but can also be an involuntary expression of anxiety, in which case it is known as a grimace. Cross-cultural studies have shown that smiling is used as a means of communicating emotions throughout the world.[1] Happiness is most often the motivating cause of a smile. Among animals, the exposure of teeth, which may bear a resemblance to a smile, is often used as a threat or warning display - known as a snarl - or a sign of submission. In chimpanzees, it can also be a sign of fear. The study of smiles is a part of gelotology, psychology, and linguistics, comprising various theories of affect, humor, and laughter.

Many biologists think the smile originated as a sign of fear. Primalogist Signe Preuschoft traces the smile back over 30 million years of evolution to a "fear grin" stemming from monkeys and apes who often used barely clenched teeth to portray to predators that they were harmless. Biologists believe the smile has evolved differently among species and especially among humans.

Biology is not the only academic discipline that interprets the smile. Those who study kinesics view the smile as an affect display. It can communicate feelings such as love, happiness, pride, contempt, and embarrassment.
Although many different types of smiles have been identified and studied, researchers have paid particular attention to an anatomical distinction first recognized by French physician Guillaume Duchenne. While conducting research on the physiology of facial expressions in the mid-nineteenth century, Duchenne identified two distinct types of smiles. A Duchenne smile involves contraction of both the zygomatic major muscle (which raises the corners of the mouth) and the orbicularis oculi muscle (which raises the cheeks and forms crow's feet around the eyes). A non-Duchenne smile involves only the zygomatic major muscle. Many researchers believe that Duchenne smiles indicate genuine spontaneous emotions since most people cannot voluntarily contract the outer portion of the orbicularis oculi muscle.

http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongbeauty/tp/smiling.htm

Top 10 Reasons to Smile
Smiling is a great way to make yourself stand out while helping your body to function better. Smile to improve your health, your stress level, and your attractiveness. Smiling is just one fun way to live longer read about the others and try as many as you can.
1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive
We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away -- but a smile draws them in.
2. Smiling Changes Our Mood
Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.
3. Smiling Is Contagious
When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.
4. Smiling Relieves Stress
Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take action.
5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System
Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.
6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure
When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?
7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin
Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.
8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger
The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day -- you'll look younger and feel better.
9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful
Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.
10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive
Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It's hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that "Life is Good!" Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.

'Love Thy enemies'"

Hatred kills.

There is nothing earth shaking about that statement. The wars in the Balkans demonstrate this. There are people there who hate other people and who do everything they can to eliminate the other people. There are atrocities taking place every day. The innocent, particularly children, die. I've been to London three times, and all three times a bomb went off. This is the result of centuries of hatred between the English and the Irish. But we don't have to go so far to find hatred. People are being attacked on our American highways, in the cities and even in the suburbs all due to hatred. The Klu Klux Klan, Skinheads, and other Fascist orientated groups feed on hatred.

Hatred kills.

There two victims of hatred: the person who is physically hurt and the person who hates. The foremost victim of hatred is the person who hates. Hatred transforms a person from a compassionate human being, to a person whose main concern is to seek vengeance on someone who the person feels has wronged them. Life is consumed with the desire for retaliation and reprisal. Maybe this vengeance will not be seen in a physical attack. It very well may result in a verbal attack or a destruction of another person's reputation. The fact is that the person who hates has transformed his or her life. This person cannot be the loving person Christ called him or her to be.

Hatred kills.

If God is love, than how can a Christian hate? The Christian who hates is sacrificing Christianity for the sake of the hate. Again, the Christian who hates is the first victim of hate.

Hatred kills.

"But, Father", you say, "I have really been treated poorly by my ex husband or wife, by my sister in law or brother in law. Every meeting is a battle with all sorts of nasty things emanating from this person I am supposed to love. How am I supposed to handle these situation?" Well, we have got to let go of the past. We can't let the past destroy us. We can still love those who have hurt us. In fact, we have to love them. Perhaps it was with tongue in cheek that St. Paul tells us and the Romans to love our enemies because it will drive them crazy: "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." (12:20). What drives them crazy is that it is difficult to respond to kindness with nastiness. Many will continue to try to be nasty, but it isn't easy.

Still, the call to love those who hurt us does not mean that we should seek their company so we can endure further hurt. Sometimes it is just the best thing to have less contact with someone who has caused us bad feelings. The important thing is that we limit our contact not to hurt the other person, but to control the feelings within us which can lead to the destruction of our own lives through hatred.
We can't let hatred kill us.

Overcoming Hatred

Recently we heard of daily killings by human beings….everywhere! Everyday! This morning I heard over the news 12 men were shot dead while praying in a mosque is Southern Thailand… we heard of daily killings of the Jews and Arabs in Israel! The root cause of the killing is hatred…..these feeling has long been embedded and sow over years….Why? Some say that is a territorial problem…Why? What drive these people to kill…is hatred one of the reasons? Human is very complex… could not understand why the hatred among fellow human being! What sow the seeds of hatred?

…how do we eliminate these hatred?....
Lets examine some psychologist research papers that cuts across the cultural boundaries….
Some Q that needs to be answered…..
How does my behavior reflect hatred? What causes my hatred?
What are some examples of my hatred?What are some negative effects of my hatred?
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?How can I overcome my hatred?Steps to overcoming hatred
How does my behavior reflect hatred?
When I hate a person or a group of people, I:
* harbor the most extreme level of anger possible against them.
* ignore and avoid them; they don't exist for me.
* am easily aggravated by their behavior, looks, or attitudes.
* get agitated when I think about them; it gets worse when I am in their presence.
* have an antagonistic attitude toward them.
* find myself being cruel, vicious, vindictive or revengeful with them.
* exhibit inflamed, incensed, ill-tempered or disagreeable behavior if the topic of conversation turns to them.
* become rude, belligerent, combative, enraged, or intolerant with them.
* act bigoted, prejudiced, callous, insensitive or malicious toward them.
* fantasize murderous, violent, bloodthirsty, inhuman, sadistic ideas about them.
* become dogmatic, critical, malicious, and severe in my judgment and statements about them.
* look unfriendly, unfeeling, unlikable, unmerciful, sullen, sulky, or spiteful whenever I talk to or about them.
* become enraged, wrathful and piqued when I hear their name mentioned in any positive way.
* find myself being cold, distant, aloof, uncaring and obstinate in my discussions with them or about them.
* act offended, opposed, provoked or irritated when they speak to me.
* deliberately misunderstand them.
What causes my hatred?
My hatred toward a person or a group of people is rooted in my belief that they have:
* treated me unfairly or abused me.
* acted in such a way that my future success was imperiled or adversely affected.
* unjustly accused me of wrong doing.
* laid a guilt trip on me, preventing me from taking care of myself in a healthy way.
* never given me a chance to be my own person and to feel good about myself.
* adversely affected my personal development and contributed to my lowered self-esteem and self-worth.
* said things about me that I can't forgive or forget.
* acted in such a way that my resentment and rage are the only possible responses.
* exhibit qualities, behavior patterns or characteristics that present great physical or emotional danger to me.
* a horrible reputation, stigma or myth about them that is hard to refute or disprove.
* had something better than what I have and are unwilling to share it with me.
* had life easier than I, and haven't had to work as hard as I to survive.
* no desire to help me reach material or emotional success in life.
* wretched, vile, loathsome personalities that breed misery and pain for me.
* attacked my reputation or honor, in reality or imagination.
* been obstinate, unwilling to submit to my control, power, supervision or guidance.
* been a threat, either real or imagined, to my sense of security, well-being and contentment.
* never understood my needs and have ignored me because of this.
* never given me approval, recognition, or reinforcement for the "good'' person that I am.
* only pointed out my failures.* betrayed the trust and faith I once placed in them.
* been the underlying reasons for my unhappiness today.
* been controlling, manipulative, sneaky, ruthless and scheming in their dealings with me.
* hostile, hateful and hypercritical ways of dealing with me.
* been "power mad'' in their attempts to control me.
What are some examples of my hatred?
My hatred toward individuals is reflected in the following statements:
* I could never be "good'' enough for him.
* No matter how hard I tried, I never felt her love.
* I was abused (physically, verbally or emotionally) by him.
* She abandoned me long ago.
* He lied, cheated and stole from me.
* Her lust for other men was insatiable; I was left alone.
* I still feel the pain of her rejection.
* If he had done what I asked him to do in the first place, this wouldn't be happening to me now.
* She deserves everything she has coming to her.
* I am this way because of the way she treated me.
My hatred toward groups of people are reflected in the following statements:
* They are all just alike: No good!* You can't trust any of them.
* They only want to use, abuse and then discard you.
* They are what is keeping our country from being great.
* If you give them an inch they'll take a mile.
* You can never turn your back on them.
* They all have it so much easier then I do; they don't deserve it.
* Their one goal in life is to control others.
* They always win no matter what. Why play the game?
What are some negative effects of my hatred?
Because of my hatred toward a person or group of people, I find that I am:
* never fully happy or content.* bitter and cold toward almost everybody in my life.
* not sought out by others to be a friend.* socially isolated and lonely.
* caustic, hostile, sarcastic and cynical.* embittered, saddened and desolate a good part of the time.
* lacking in enthusiasm, energy and spontaneity in my daily life.
* cold, distant and aloof in my dealings with others.
* mistrusting, paranoid and suspicious in my relationships.
* stuck in my quest for healthy self-esteem.* guilty over the negative feelings that I can't let go of.
* easily provoked to anger and my "hot buttons'' are pushed when the person or group of people I hate is mentioned in any positive way.
* wasteful in the expenditure of my emotional energy by venting my chronic negative feelings.
* prone to over-compensate by behaving in a completely opposite way from those I hate.
* unable to get on with my life; I tend to dwell on or blame everything on my past.
* touchy, highly emotional, or overly sensitive when my "hateful'' behavior is pointed out to me.
* defensive about my right to hold on to my hateful beliefs.
* more focused on those I hate than on myself and my personal growth.
* closed to the suggestion to forgive and forget the past and get on with the present.
* prone to lose sight of my personal power and my ability to chose what I want to feel or do.
* overwhelmed by my bitterness and anger.* unable to be optimistic.
* unwilling to believe that it is my choice to feel hatred.
* stubborn, unwilling to accept that often people have done the best that they could knowing what they did at the time.
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?
* They should have known better.* No one should have to go through what I have in my lifetime.
* They should have known how badly they were making me feel.* He should not have been so mean to me.
* She should not have left me the way she did.* I should have been recognized for all the good things I did.
* He should not have been so manipulative with me.* She should have done the things I told her to do.
* They should have recognized my goodness, talent, competency and worth and told me so.
* What good is it to forgive and forget the past now?* I will never trust another human being again.
* My life should be easier than it is.* If only I had had good luck and the benefits of others--e.g., education, money, good looks--I would be a happy person.
* No matter how hard a person works he will never change his fate.* I am always taken advantage of and always end up a loser in relationships.
* All _______ are bad. (Parents, men, women, children, Jews, blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, Polish, Italians, Arabs, psychologists, doctors, lawyers, car salesmen, insurance companies, or your personal object of hate.)
How can I overcome my hatred?
To overcome my hatred of a person or group of people I need to:
* assess my hatred: Is it based on what is real or on what is imagined?
* determine if the person or group of people intentionally set out to hurt, abuse, neglect, or mistreat me.
* analyze whether or not the person or group of people knew how negatively I was being affected by them.
* identify what relevant facts were lacking for the person or group of persons in their dealings with me.
* analyze what my thinking was like at the time I was being mistreated.
* identify the irrational component of my thinking about this mistreatment and replace it with more rational and realistic thinking.
* perform anger work-out sessions until I have exhausted my hatred to the point where I can forgive and forget the past.
* admit that even if a person set out to hurt me, knowing full well how badly I would feel, it does me no good to harbor this hatred. It exhausts my emotional energy. I need to let go of it and get on with my life.
Steps to overcoming hatred
Step

The Hatred Parable

There once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so when she was 18 she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The other daughter, who was 10 at the time, stayed home until she was 22. Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her parents.The first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like slaves.Several years after her divorce she was living alone 1,500 miles from her parents and sister. It had been 15 years since she left home. Her younger sister had been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing, she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger sister.The older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden from them for the past 15 years.In the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and Dad? The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.Back home, the two letters were received, read and shared by the parents and the younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer idea of what she really wanted from them.
About this Author
James J Messina, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with more than 35 years of experience counseling individuals and families. Messina, who specializes in adult and children psychotherapy, serves as Director of Psychological Services at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital in Tampa, Fla. He has a private practice in Tampa and is also a member of the American Psychological Association.

Why Step Relationships Aren't Easy

By Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.
.... this article is dedicated to Intan & Zul....U have been a role model in showing the way.....

http://library.adoption.com/articles/keeping-parental-influence-in-perspective.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/the-predictive-responsibility-of-parents.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/addiction-and-the-problem-of-psychological-dependence.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/sibling-conflict.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/preventing-the-contagion-of-stress.html

When two people remarry with one or both having children, they must double up their adjustment. They do not have the luxury of simply marrying as partners. They must commit to the complexity of learning to marry as parents, too. This parental dimension to their union requires additional communication as they not only work out how to function as a couple, but as a family, as well. If they want to keep their marriage together, they must keep their parenting together. They must never allow the child to become divisive of the marriage - to cause them to feel they are on opposing sides in the parental relationship. They must always stay on the same side with both of them wanting to support dialogue and decisions that preserve the union they have created. "We really see this situation differently, and that's okay. Let's talk until we understand each other's point of view and work out a position we can both support."
The Entry Adjustment

Before remarriage, honeymoon harmony may have reigned among them all, with everyone on his/her best behavior, playing together but not living together. However, once they actually form a blended family unit, the easy-going shine quickly wears off, and hard reality sets in. Now, differences between stepparent and stepchildren over household conduct, between parent and stepparent over child raising, between parent and children over respect for the new marriage, begin to irritate family relationships, causing conflicts as incompatibilities become hard to deny and harder to accept.

"Your kids never pick anything up!"
"Our stepparent is a neat freak!"
"You care more about your new marriage than you do for us!"
"Who comes first, your kids or me?"
"Why can't you both just get along for my sake?"

Complaints, complaints! Unhappily, the couple may wonder: "Why can't everyone just enjoy each other's company?" That's a good question. Knowing some of the answers allows the couple to develop realistic expectations and make effective choices that can help remarriage with children work.

Adjustment to Parental Remarriage

It can frustrate a remarried mother or father to have a child whose discontent threatens to spoil the happiness that parent seeks. "Why must you make things so difficult at a time when I want everything to go well?" At this point it is worth remembering that remarriage is an adult decision, selfishly made, at least for one of the parents, for his or her personal happiness. Like divorce, it is not a decision either made by the child or for the child's sake. And, it is not a decision that necessarily pleases the child who may feel jerked around by family changes over which he or she had no control. "I liked things better living with my parent alone, and I still miss having Mom and Dad and us all together." Divorce and remarriage both create a powerful conflict of interest between parent and child. These family changes are chosen to advance happiness of the parent, to some degree at the child's felt expense.

Being Taken Through One's Parents' Changes

The transition from parental marriage to parental divorce to parental remarriage creates a host of changes for the child to accept.
Divorce ends living all together in the original family and creates separate households, while remarriage means learning to live on daily intimacy with a step parent whose ways are unfamiliar and who is in many ways a stranger. "It feels awkward living with some adult I hardly know."
Divorce and remarriage also alters caring. In the original family caring felt unconditional; then divorce questioned the constancy of caring (as parents lost love for each other); and, now, in remarriage caring from and for the step parent can feel conditional. "We like each other when we get along, and we don't like each other when we don't."
In the original family, both parents were fully there; divorce meant one parent was always gone; and with remarriage the resident parent is only partly there. "I get less time with my parent now that my stepparent is here."
In the original family, the child assumed the parents would always be together; divorce meant accepting they would never be together again; remarriage means parent and stepparent will be together for the foreseeable future. "First they tear up the old family, then they expect me to get used to a new one!"
In the original family, parents were the same as the child had always known them; with freedom from divorce each parent starts making personal changes; and with remarriage the influence of the stepparent changes how the mother or father has always parented. "What I hate most about your remarriage is the way you've changed!"
And these are just some of the adjustments a child must make.

Attachment Expectations

One particular area of adjustment about which there can be unrealistic parental expectations is concerning the child's attachment to the parent's new partner. Central to the dream of a happy remarriage may be the dream of a loving bond between child and stepparent. Chances for this to occur are largely dependent on how old the child is at the time of parental remarriage. The watershed age when acceptance tends to become harder is the onset of early adolescence, around years nine or ten, when the developmental separation from childhood commonly begins. Below that age, significant attachment is more likely to occur; but above that age, adolescence makes bonding much more difficult. Divorce and remarriage tend to intensify the natural grievance and rebellion of adolescence. Sense of injury and being treated unfairly by disruptive family change can fuel the young person's anger. The stepparent is an easy target for this resentment since in this relationship there is no history of love so there's no love to lose. Now the stepparent/stepchild relationship is easily inflamed by mutual blame, each one scapegoating and stereotyping the other for what is wrong in the family, pitting the "evil" stepparent who is always "mean and moody" against the "no good kid" who is " bad mannered and uncooperative." To prevent these stereotypes from taking hold, rather than stepparent and stepchild having less to do with each other (which is what they want), they actually need more time alone together to allow contact to inform their judgments with knowledge, and not allow separation to reinforce their prejudices with ignorance.

Realistic Expectations for the Step Relationship

A parent's realistic expectations for attachment between stepparent and stepchild when that child is in adolescence are these. It is realistic for the parent to expect, and insist, that the teenager treat the stepparent with respect, even when that young person wishes this outside adult could just go away. It is realistic for the parent to expect the stepparent to care about what happen to the stepchild even when the stepparent does not at the moment much care for the stepchild's attitude or behavior. It is also realistic to expect that many of the differences the stepparent brings into the family -- of sex role definition, of personality, of skills, of knowledge, of interests -- can all be turned to positive value for the stepchild when they create an opportunity to learn and grow and profit from this association. This is not to recommend divorce and remarriage, but increased diversity of family life is not simply a cause for divisiveness, it is a source of additional richness as well. To encourage taking advantage of this positive side, it helps if the stepparent clarifies that he or she is not in any way competing with, or trying to supplant, the absent biological parent. "I'm not your real parent and have no desire to be. But I am your real stepparent, and exactly what that means is something you and I will have to work out together. Hopefully, we can make it into a relationship we can both enjoy."

Dealing With Step Family Differences

Step relationships mix people up by increasing the mix of individual differences in a family. These differences are often incompatible and make accommodating and fitting in hard to do. When two cultures come together for the first time, some clashes are bound to occur. "Whose way is the right way?" is the common denominator for many conflicts as stepparent and parent (plus children) work out on whose terms they will live, which way of family life will prevail. The outcome is always some mix of the two, each side in the partnership giving up more traditional practices and tolerating more change than was originally anticipated. "I never thought I'd learn to live this way!" From "my way" and from "your way" the couple comes to define "our way," and the stepfamily starts creating a cultural identity of its own. From the outset of remarried life, there will be stepchild behavior and parenting practices that seem acceptable to the parent, but are offensive to the stepparent. "How can you let them act like that? Why haven't you taught them any better?" And immediately the parent feels put on the spot. "There's nothing wrong with their behavior, you're just not used to normal kids!" In remarriage, stepchildren come to represent the cultural divide between parent and stepparent. To attack child raising differences by attacking each other, arguing over who is right and who is wrong, will not serve the new marriage partners well. It will only polarize and antagonize their relationship. Parent and stepparent will never see the children through the same perceptual lens. Typically, the parent sees the child more affirmatively ("He is really trying!"), and the stepparent sees the child more critically ("He is not trying hard enough!"). The parent (attached and approving) tends to see the glass (the child) as half-full, and the stepparent (fatigued and frustrated) tends to see the glass as half empty. Parent and stepparent need to turn their contrasting perspectives to advantage. What the parent has to offer is constancy and acceptance. "Loving who they are is always more important to me than always liking how they act." What the stepparent has to offer is distance and perspective. "Sometimes I can see what your kids need more objectively than you can." It is this mix of parental acceptance and stepparent perspective that can be combined to great advantage, depth of caring and breadth of vision both contributing the children's well being. Love can blind the parent to problems the stepparent is willing to see. Frustration can cause the stepparent to give up on the child to whom the parent remains loyally committed.

The Discussion Contract

In their discussions over the children, it helps enormously if parent and stepparent agree to the following contractual exchange. When an issue over the stepchild's behavior arises, the stepparent will express that concern to the parent with utmost tact, not putting the parent on the defensive by voicing complaints, comparisons, or criticism. Instead, communication is kept as objective and non-evaluative as possible. "I don't agree with how your child is choosing to act, and I would like to talk with you about trying to change that behavior." In return, the parent will be continually mindful of the stepparent's efforts to help create a family for the stepchild, expressing this partner's appreciation to the stepparent for hanging in there with a child not his or her own. The stepparent needs appreciation because the stepchild is not likely to give it. And the parent needs tact because it is so easy to feel defensive on one's child's behalf.

Role Pressures

In addition, it helps for each partner to be sensitive to stepfamily pressures that complicate each other's role. To be the parent in the remarried family often means feeling torn apart by conflicting loyalties and sympathies, caught in the middle between two loved ones who sometimes can't stand each other, each coming to the parent/partner to confide complaints. Of course, the good part of being in the middle is getting twice as much love as either of the two occasional antagonists. How much of the conflict between spouse and child to mediate and how much to let them just work out is an ongoing dilemma. In general, the more stepparent and stepchild are allowed to work out their differences directly, the less often the parent will intervene and feel caught in the painful middle. One approach that usually helps is for stepparent and stepchild to have some times with just the two of them together without the parent present. In this situation there is no parent time and attention to vie for, so each is usually more open to finding ways to get along. To be the stepparent is to feel continually affronted by parenting values and stepchild behavior that seem unacceptable, to wonder whether to speak up or not, or to make an invisible effort to get along by shutting up about a lot. "Swallowing offenses" is how one stepfather described it. Since these efforts at tolerance and restraint are not seen by anyone else, they are not credited as effort, hence the problem of invisibility. In addition, there is often the frustration of being discounted by the stepchild who ignores the stepparent's presence and opinions, treating the parent as the only adult in the family who matters, the only adult worth talking to or seeking out for companionship. If this dismissive conduct is going on, the parent can insist on more respectful treatment. "I expect you to treat your stepparent with the same courtesy and respect that we give you." These are the pains that come with the two roles. The parent often feels caught in the middle, unable to do right by one loved one without doing wrong in the eyes of the other. The stepparent often feels like an invisible and discounted family member whose efforts at adjustment, tolerance, and restraint are unseen and unappreciated. For the sake of the marriage, the parent can recognize the stepparent's efforts, thereby reducing discomfort from invisibility, and the stepparent can work out differences with the stepchild without pulling the parent into the middle.

Time for the Marriage

Finally, there is the abiding importance of parent and stepparent making and taking sufficient time alone and apart to shed parental roles and concerns and just enjoy being together as partners. Becoming life partners is the primary reason why they got together in the first place. And, when they are back into parental role, the parent can explain how there is not one but two ways he or she experiences the stepparent's love. "When you treat me as your loving partner, and when you treat my children with love, in both ways do I experience your love for me." To which the stepparent can reply: "When you love me as your partner and as co-parent of your children, in both ways do I experience your love for me." Remarriage with stepchildren is at least twice as hard as marriage with mutual children or with none, but well done, it can be twice as rewarding, too.