SMILE

A smile is a facial expression formed by flexing those muscles most notably near both ends of the mouth. The smile can also be found around the eyes (See 'Duchenne smile' below). Among humans, it is customarily an expression denoting pleasure, happiness, or amusement, but can also be an involuntary expression of anxiety, in which case it is known as a grimace. Cross-cultural studies have shown that smiling is used as a means of communicating emotions throughout the world.[1] Happiness is most often the motivating cause of a smile. Among animals, the exposure of teeth, which may bear a resemblance to a smile, is often used as a threat or warning display - known as a snarl - or a sign of submission. In chimpanzees, it can also be a sign of fear. The study of smiles is a part of gelotology, psychology, and linguistics, comprising various theories of affect, humor, and laughter.

Many biologists think the smile originated as a sign of fear. Primalogist Signe Preuschoft traces the smile back over 30 million years of evolution to a "fear grin" stemming from monkeys and apes who often used barely clenched teeth to portray to predators that they were harmless. Biologists believe the smile has evolved differently among species and especially among humans.

Biology is not the only academic discipline that interprets the smile. Those who study kinesics view the smile as an affect display. It can communicate feelings such as love, happiness, pride, contempt, and embarrassment.
Although many different types of smiles have been identified and studied, researchers have paid particular attention to an anatomical distinction first recognized by French physician Guillaume Duchenne. While conducting research on the physiology of facial expressions in the mid-nineteenth century, Duchenne identified two distinct types of smiles. A Duchenne smile involves contraction of both the zygomatic major muscle (which raises the corners of the mouth) and the orbicularis oculi muscle (which raises the cheeks and forms crow's feet around the eyes). A non-Duchenne smile involves only the zygomatic major muscle. Many researchers believe that Duchenne smiles indicate genuine spontaneous emotions since most people cannot voluntarily contract the outer portion of the orbicularis oculi muscle.

http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongbeauty/tp/smiling.htm

Top 10 Reasons to Smile
Smiling is a great way to make yourself stand out while helping your body to function better. Smile to improve your health, your stress level, and your attractiveness. Smiling is just one fun way to live longer read about the others and try as many as you can.
1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive
We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away -- but a smile draws them in.
2. Smiling Changes Our Mood
Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.
3. Smiling Is Contagious
When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.
4. Smiling Relieves Stress
Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take action.
5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System
Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.
6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure
When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?
7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin
Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.
8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger
The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day -- you'll look younger and feel better.
9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful
Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.
10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive
Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It's hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that "Life is Good!" Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.

'Love Thy enemies'"

Hatred kills.

There is nothing earth shaking about that statement. The wars in the Balkans demonstrate this. There are people there who hate other people and who do everything they can to eliminate the other people. There are atrocities taking place every day. The innocent, particularly children, die. I've been to London three times, and all three times a bomb went off. This is the result of centuries of hatred between the English and the Irish. But we don't have to go so far to find hatred. People are being attacked on our American highways, in the cities and even in the suburbs all due to hatred. The Klu Klux Klan, Skinheads, and other Fascist orientated groups feed on hatred.

Hatred kills.

There two victims of hatred: the person who is physically hurt and the person who hates. The foremost victim of hatred is the person who hates. Hatred transforms a person from a compassionate human being, to a person whose main concern is to seek vengeance on someone who the person feels has wronged them. Life is consumed with the desire for retaliation and reprisal. Maybe this vengeance will not be seen in a physical attack. It very well may result in a verbal attack or a destruction of another person's reputation. The fact is that the person who hates has transformed his or her life. This person cannot be the loving person Christ called him or her to be.

Hatred kills.

If God is love, than how can a Christian hate? The Christian who hates is sacrificing Christianity for the sake of the hate. Again, the Christian who hates is the first victim of hate.

Hatred kills.

"But, Father", you say, "I have really been treated poorly by my ex husband or wife, by my sister in law or brother in law. Every meeting is a battle with all sorts of nasty things emanating from this person I am supposed to love. How am I supposed to handle these situation?" Well, we have got to let go of the past. We can't let the past destroy us. We can still love those who have hurt us. In fact, we have to love them. Perhaps it was with tongue in cheek that St. Paul tells us and the Romans to love our enemies because it will drive them crazy: "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." (12:20). What drives them crazy is that it is difficult to respond to kindness with nastiness. Many will continue to try to be nasty, but it isn't easy.

Still, the call to love those who hurt us does not mean that we should seek their company so we can endure further hurt. Sometimes it is just the best thing to have less contact with someone who has caused us bad feelings. The important thing is that we limit our contact not to hurt the other person, but to control the feelings within us which can lead to the destruction of our own lives through hatred.
We can't let hatred kill us.

Overcoming Hatred

Recently we heard of daily killings by human beings….everywhere! Everyday! This morning I heard over the news 12 men were shot dead while praying in a mosque is Southern Thailand… we heard of daily killings of the Jews and Arabs in Israel! The root cause of the killing is hatred…..these feeling has long been embedded and sow over years….Why? Some say that is a territorial problem…Why? What drive these people to kill…is hatred one of the reasons? Human is very complex… could not understand why the hatred among fellow human being! What sow the seeds of hatred?

…how do we eliminate these hatred?....
Lets examine some psychologist research papers that cuts across the cultural boundaries….
Some Q that needs to be answered…..
How does my behavior reflect hatred? What causes my hatred?
What are some examples of my hatred?What are some negative effects of my hatred?
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?How can I overcome my hatred?Steps to overcoming hatred
How does my behavior reflect hatred?
When I hate a person or a group of people, I:
* harbor the most extreme level of anger possible against them.
* ignore and avoid them; they don't exist for me.
* am easily aggravated by their behavior, looks, or attitudes.
* get agitated when I think about them; it gets worse when I am in their presence.
* have an antagonistic attitude toward them.
* find myself being cruel, vicious, vindictive or revengeful with them.
* exhibit inflamed, incensed, ill-tempered or disagreeable behavior if the topic of conversation turns to them.
* become rude, belligerent, combative, enraged, or intolerant with them.
* act bigoted, prejudiced, callous, insensitive or malicious toward them.
* fantasize murderous, violent, bloodthirsty, inhuman, sadistic ideas about them.
* become dogmatic, critical, malicious, and severe in my judgment and statements about them.
* look unfriendly, unfeeling, unlikable, unmerciful, sullen, sulky, or spiteful whenever I talk to or about them.
* become enraged, wrathful and piqued when I hear their name mentioned in any positive way.
* find myself being cold, distant, aloof, uncaring and obstinate in my discussions with them or about them.
* act offended, opposed, provoked or irritated when they speak to me.
* deliberately misunderstand them.
What causes my hatred?
My hatred toward a person or a group of people is rooted in my belief that they have:
* treated me unfairly or abused me.
* acted in such a way that my future success was imperiled or adversely affected.
* unjustly accused me of wrong doing.
* laid a guilt trip on me, preventing me from taking care of myself in a healthy way.
* never given me a chance to be my own person and to feel good about myself.
* adversely affected my personal development and contributed to my lowered self-esteem and self-worth.
* said things about me that I can't forgive or forget.
* acted in such a way that my resentment and rage are the only possible responses.
* exhibit qualities, behavior patterns or characteristics that present great physical or emotional danger to me.
* a horrible reputation, stigma or myth about them that is hard to refute or disprove.
* had something better than what I have and are unwilling to share it with me.
* had life easier than I, and haven't had to work as hard as I to survive.
* no desire to help me reach material or emotional success in life.
* wretched, vile, loathsome personalities that breed misery and pain for me.
* attacked my reputation or honor, in reality or imagination.
* been obstinate, unwilling to submit to my control, power, supervision or guidance.
* been a threat, either real or imagined, to my sense of security, well-being and contentment.
* never understood my needs and have ignored me because of this.
* never given me approval, recognition, or reinforcement for the "good'' person that I am.
* only pointed out my failures.* betrayed the trust and faith I once placed in them.
* been the underlying reasons for my unhappiness today.
* been controlling, manipulative, sneaky, ruthless and scheming in their dealings with me.
* hostile, hateful and hypercritical ways of dealing with me.
* been "power mad'' in their attempts to control me.
What are some examples of my hatred?
My hatred toward individuals is reflected in the following statements:
* I could never be "good'' enough for him.
* No matter how hard I tried, I never felt her love.
* I was abused (physically, verbally or emotionally) by him.
* She abandoned me long ago.
* He lied, cheated and stole from me.
* Her lust for other men was insatiable; I was left alone.
* I still feel the pain of her rejection.
* If he had done what I asked him to do in the first place, this wouldn't be happening to me now.
* She deserves everything she has coming to her.
* I am this way because of the way she treated me.
My hatred toward groups of people are reflected in the following statements:
* They are all just alike: No good!* You can't trust any of them.
* They only want to use, abuse and then discard you.
* They are what is keeping our country from being great.
* If you give them an inch they'll take a mile.
* You can never turn your back on them.
* They all have it so much easier then I do; they don't deserve it.
* Their one goal in life is to control others.
* They always win no matter what. Why play the game?
What are some negative effects of my hatred?
Because of my hatred toward a person or group of people, I find that I am:
* never fully happy or content.* bitter and cold toward almost everybody in my life.
* not sought out by others to be a friend.* socially isolated and lonely.
* caustic, hostile, sarcastic and cynical.* embittered, saddened and desolate a good part of the time.
* lacking in enthusiasm, energy and spontaneity in my daily life.
* cold, distant and aloof in my dealings with others.
* mistrusting, paranoid and suspicious in my relationships.
* stuck in my quest for healthy self-esteem.* guilty over the negative feelings that I can't let go of.
* easily provoked to anger and my "hot buttons'' are pushed when the person or group of people I hate is mentioned in any positive way.
* wasteful in the expenditure of my emotional energy by venting my chronic negative feelings.
* prone to over-compensate by behaving in a completely opposite way from those I hate.
* unable to get on with my life; I tend to dwell on or blame everything on my past.
* touchy, highly emotional, or overly sensitive when my "hateful'' behavior is pointed out to me.
* defensive about my right to hold on to my hateful beliefs.
* more focused on those I hate than on myself and my personal growth.
* closed to the suggestion to forgive and forget the past and get on with the present.
* prone to lose sight of my personal power and my ability to chose what I want to feel or do.
* overwhelmed by my bitterness and anger.* unable to be optimistic.
* unwilling to believe that it is my choice to feel hatred.
* stubborn, unwilling to accept that often people have done the best that they could knowing what they did at the time.
What irrational thinking contributes to my hatred?
* They should have known better.* No one should have to go through what I have in my lifetime.
* They should have known how badly they were making me feel.* He should not have been so mean to me.
* She should not have left me the way she did.* I should have been recognized for all the good things I did.
* He should not have been so manipulative with me.* She should have done the things I told her to do.
* They should have recognized my goodness, talent, competency and worth and told me so.
* What good is it to forgive and forget the past now?* I will never trust another human being again.
* My life should be easier than it is.* If only I had had good luck and the benefits of others--e.g., education, money, good looks--I would be a happy person.
* No matter how hard a person works he will never change his fate.* I am always taken advantage of and always end up a loser in relationships.
* All _______ are bad. (Parents, men, women, children, Jews, blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, Polish, Italians, Arabs, psychologists, doctors, lawyers, car salesmen, insurance companies, or your personal object of hate.)
How can I overcome my hatred?
To overcome my hatred of a person or group of people I need to:
* assess my hatred: Is it based on what is real or on what is imagined?
* determine if the person or group of people intentionally set out to hurt, abuse, neglect, or mistreat me.
* analyze whether or not the person or group of people knew how negatively I was being affected by them.
* identify what relevant facts were lacking for the person or group of persons in their dealings with me.
* analyze what my thinking was like at the time I was being mistreated.
* identify the irrational component of my thinking about this mistreatment and replace it with more rational and realistic thinking.
* perform anger work-out sessions until I have exhausted my hatred to the point where I can forgive and forget the past.
* admit that even if a person set out to hurt me, knowing full well how badly I would feel, it does me no good to harbor this hatred. It exhausts my emotional energy. I need to let go of it and get on with my life.
Steps to overcoming hatred
Step

The Hatred Parable

There once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so when she was 18 she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The other daughter, who was 10 at the time, stayed home until she was 22. Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her parents.The first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like slaves.Several years after her divorce she was living alone 1,500 miles from her parents and sister. It had been 15 years since she left home. Her younger sister had been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing, she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger sister.The older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden from them for the past 15 years.In the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and Dad? The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.Back home, the two letters were received, read and shared by the parents and the younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer idea of what she really wanted from them.
About this Author
James J Messina, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with more than 35 years of experience counseling individuals and families. Messina, who specializes in adult and children psychotherapy, serves as Director of Psychological Services at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital in Tampa, Fla. He has a private practice in Tampa and is also a member of the American Psychological Association.

Why Step Relationships Aren't Easy

By Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.
.... this article is dedicated to Intan & Zul....U have been a role model in showing the way.....

http://library.adoption.com/articles/keeping-parental-influence-in-perspective.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/the-predictive-responsibility-of-parents.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/addiction-and-the-problem-of-psychological-dependence.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/sibling-conflict.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/preventing-the-contagion-of-stress.html

When two people remarry with one or both having children, they must double up their adjustment. They do not have the luxury of simply marrying as partners. They must commit to the complexity of learning to marry as parents, too. This parental dimension to their union requires additional communication as they not only work out how to function as a couple, but as a family, as well. If they want to keep their marriage together, they must keep their parenting together. They must never allow the child to become divisive of the marriage - to cause them to feel they are on opposing sides in the parental relationship. They must always stay on the same side with both of them wanting to support dialogue and decisions that preserve the union they have created. "We really see this situation differently, and that's okay. Let's talk until we understand each other's point of view and work out a position we can both support."
The Entry Adjustment

Before remarriage, honeymoon harmony may have reigned among them all, with everyone on his/her best behavior, playing together but not living together. However, once they actually form a blended family unit, the easy-going shine quickly wears off, and hard reality sets in. Now, differences between stepparent and stepchildren over household conduct, between parent and stepparent over child raising, between parent and children over respect for the new marriage, begin to irritate family relationships, causing conflicts as incompatibilities become hard to deny and harder to accept.

"Your kids never pick anything up!"
"Our stepparent is a neat freak!"
"You care more about your new marriage than you do for us!"
"Who comes first, your kids or me?"
"Why can't you both just get along for my sake?"

Complaints, complaints! Unhappily, the couple may wonder: "Why can't everyone just enjoy each other's company?" That's a good question. Knowing some of the answers allows the couple to develop realistic expectations and make effective choices that can help remarriage with children work.

Adjustment to Parental Remarriage

It can frustrate a remarried mother or father to have a child whose discontent threatens to spoil the happiness that parent seeks. "Why must you make things so difficult at a time when I want everything to go well?" At this point it is worth remembering that remarriage is an adult decision, selfishly made, at least for one of the parents, for his or her personal happiness. Like divorce, it is not a decision either made by the child or for the child's sake. And, it is not a decision that necessarily pleases the child who may feel jerked around by family changes over which he or she had no control. "I liked things better living with my parent alone, and I still miss having Mom and Dad and us all together." Divorce and remarriage both create a powerful conflict of interest between parent and child. These family changes are chosen to advance happiness of the parent, to some degree at the child's felt expense.

Being Taken Through One's Parents' Changes

The transition from parental marriage to parental divorce to parental remarriage creates a host of changes for the child to accept.
Divorce ends living all together in the original family and creates separate households, while remarriage means learning to live on daily intimacy with a step parent whose ways are unfamiliar and who is in many ways a stranger. "It feels awkward living with some adult I hardly know."
Divorce and remarriage also alters caring. In the original family caring felt unconditional; then divorce questioned the constancy of caring (as parents lost love for each other); and, now, in remarriage caring from and for the step parent can feel conditional. "We like each other when we get along, and we don't like each other when we don't."
In the original family, both parents were fully there; divorce meant one parent was always gone; and with remarriage the resident parent is only partly there. "I get less time with my parent now that my stepparent is here."
In the original family, the child assumed the parents would always be together; divorce meant accepting they would never be together again; remarriage means parent and stepparent will be together for the foreseeable future. "First they tear up the old family, then they expect me to get used to a new one!"
In the original family, parents were the same as the child had always known them; with freedom from divorce each parent starts making personal changes; and with remarriage the influence of the stepparent changes how the mother or father has always parented. "What I hate most about your remarriage is the way you've changed!"
And these are just some of the adjustments a child must make.

Attachment Expectations

One particular area of adjustment about which there can be unrealistic parental expectations is concerning the child's attachment to the parent's new partner. Central to the dream of a happy remarriage may be the dream of a loving bond between child and stepparent. Chances for this to occur are largely dependent on how old the child is at the time of parental remarriage. The watershed age when acceptance tends to become harder is the onset of early adolescence, around years nine or ten, when the developmental separation from childhood commonly begins. Below that age, significant attachment is more likely to occur; but above that age, adolescence makes bonding much more difficult. Divorce and remarriage tend to intensify the natural grievance and rebellion of adolescence. Sense of injury and being treated unfairly by disruptive family change can fuel the young person's anger. The stepparent is an easy target for this resentment since in this relationship there is no history of love so there's no love to lose. Now the stepparent/stepchild relationship is easily inflamed by mutual blame, each one scapegoating and stereotyping the other for what is wrong in the family, pitting the "evil" stepparent who is always "mean and moody" against the "no good kid" who is " bad mannered and uncooperative." To prevent these stereotypes from taking hold, rather than stepparent and stepchild having less to do with each other (which is what they want), they actually need more time alone together to allow contact to inform their judgments with knowledge, and not allow separation to reinforce their prejudices with ignorance.

Realistic Expectations for the Step Relationship

A parent's realistic expectations for attachment between stepparent and stepchild when that child is in adolescence are these. It is realistic for the parent to expect, and insist, that the teenager treat the stepparent with respect, even when that young person wishes this outside adult could just go away. It is realistic for the parent to expect the stepparent to care about what happen to the stepchild even when the stepparent does not at the moment much care for the stepchild's attitude or behavior. It is also realistic to expect that many of the differences the stepparent brings into the family -- of sex role definition, of personality, of skills, of knowledge, of interests -- can all be turned to positive value for the stepchild when they create an opportunity to learn and grow and profit from this association. This is not to recommend divorce and remarriage, but increased diversity of family life is not simply a cause for divisiveness, it is a source of additional richness as well. To encourage taking advantage of this positive side, it helps if the stepparent clarifies that he or she is not in any way competing with, or trying to supplant, the absent biological parent. "I'm not your real parent and have no desire to be. But I am your real stepparent, and exactly what that means is something you and I will have to work out together. Hopefully, we can make it into a relationship we can both enjoy."

Dealing With Step Family Differences

Step relationships mix people up by increasing the mix of individual differences in a family. These differences are often incompatible and make accommodating and fitting in hard to do. When two cultures come together for the first time, some clashes are bound to occur. "Whose way is the right way?" is the common denominator for many conflicts as stepparent and parent (plus children) work out on whose terms they will live, which way of family life will prevail. The outcome is always some mix of the two, each side in the partnership giving up more traditional practices and tolerating more change than was originally anticipated. "I never thought I'd learn to live this way!" From "my way" and from "your way" the couple comes to define "our way," and the stepfamily starts creating a cultural identity of its own. From the outset of remarried life, there will be stepchild behavior and parenting practices that seem acceptable to the parent, but are offensive to the stepparent. "How can you let them act like that? Why haven't you taught them any better?" And immediately the parent feels put on the spot. "There's nothing wrong with their behavior, you're just not used to normal kids!" In remarriage, stepchildren come to represent the cultural divide between parent and stepparent. To attack child raising differences by attacking each other, arguing over who is right and who is wrong, will not serve the new marriage partners well. It will only polarize and antagonize their relationship. Parent and stepparent will never see the children through the same perceptual lens. Typically, the parent sees the child more affirmatively ("He is really trying!"), and the stepparent sees the child more critically ("He is not trying hard enough!"). The parent (attached and approving) tends to see the glass (the child) as half-full, and the stepparent (fatigued and frustrated) tends to see the glass as half empty. Parent and stepparent need to turn their contrasting perspectives to advantage. What the parent has to offer is constancy and acceptance. "Loving who they are is always more important to me than always liking how they act." What the stepparent has to offer is distance and perspective. "Sometimes I can see what your kids need more objectively than you can." It is this mix of parental acceptance and stepparent perspective that can be combined to great advantage, depth of caring and breadth of vision both contributing the children's well being. Love can blind the parent to problems the stepparent is willing to see. Frustration can cause the stepparent to give up on the child to whom the parent remains loyally committed.

The Discussion Contract

In their discussions over the children, it helps enormously if parent and stepparent agree to the following contractual exchange. When an issue over the stepchild's behavior arises, the stepparent will express that concern to the parent with utmost tact, not putting the parent on the defensive by voicing complaints, comparisons, or criticism. Instead, communication is kept as objective and non-evaluative as possible. "I don't agree with how your child is choosing to act, and I would like to talk with you about trying to change that behavior." In return, the parent will be continually mindful of the stepparent's efforts to help create a family for the stepchild, expressing this partner's appreciation to the stepparent for hanging in there with a child not his or her own. The stepparent needs appreciation because the stepchild is not likely to give it. And the parent needs tact because it is so easy to feel defensive on one's child's behalf.

Role Pressures

In addition, it helps for each partner to be sensitive to stepfamily pressures that complicate each other's role. To be the parent in the remarried family often means feeling torn apart by conflicting loyalties and sympathies, caught in the middle between two loved ones who sometimes can't stand each other, each coming to the parent/partner to confide complaints. Of course, the good part of being in the middle is getting twice as much love as either of the two occasional antagonists. How much of the conflict between spouse and child to mediate and how much to let them just work out is an ongoing dilemma. In general, the more stepparent and stepchild are allowed to work out their differences directly, the less often the parent will intervene and feel caught in the painful middle. One approach that usually helps is for stepparent and stepchild to have some times with just the two of them together without the parent present. In this situation there is no parent time and attention to vie for, so each is usually more open to finding ways to get along. To be the stepparent is to feel continually affronted by parenting values and stepchild behavior that seem unacceptable, to wonder whether to speak up or not, or to make an invisible effort to get along by shutting up about a lot. "Swallowing offenses" is how one stepfather described it. Since these efforts at tolerance and restraint are not seen by anyone else, they are not credited as effort, hence the problem of invisibility. In addition, there is often the frustration of being discounted by the stepchild who ignores the stepparent's presence and opinions, treating the parent as the only adult in the family who matters, the only adult worth talking to or seeking out for companionship. If this dismissive conduct is going on, the parent can insist on more respectful treatment. "I expect you to treat your stepparent with the same courtesy and respect that we give you." These are the pains that come with the two roles. The parent often feels caught in the middle, unable to do right by one loved one without doing wrong in the eyes of the other. The stepparent often feels like an invisible and discounted family member whose efforts at adjustment, tolerance, and restraint are unseen and unappreciated. For the sake of the marriage, the parent can recognize the stepparent's efforts, thereby reducing discomfort from invisibility, and the stepparent can work out differences with the stepchild without pulling the parent into the middle.

Time for the Marriage

Finally, there is the abiding importance of parent and stepparent making and taking sufficient time alone and apart to shed parental roles and concerns and just enjoy being together as partners. Becoming life partners is the primary reason why they got together in the first place. And, when they are back into parental role, the parent can explain how there is not one but two ways he or she experiences the stepparent's love. "When you treat me as your loving partner, and when you treat my children with love, in both ways do I experience your love for me." To which the stepparent can reply: "When you love me as your partner and as co-parent of your children, in both ways do I experience your love for me." Remarriage with stepchildren is at least twice as hard as marriage with mutual children or with none, but well done, it can be twice as rewarding, too.

My Maiden Posting~Our 6th. Anniversary & Beloved Wife Birthday...

This is my first posting since I begin to BLOG...what ever that means. Not out of boredom but out of the need to pen my thoughts and not to be missed understood by my loved ones... Today is my 6th Anniversary followed by my Wife's birthday the day after....so I was wondering what to get her for this special occasion. I did ask her what she wanted for the special occasion and the answer she gave is her usual self...." I have everything I need..." Well....true to the words she has everything she needs... !!!

It then click my mind maybe I should confer her a medal? Honour? Nay...she doesn't need that either....after much consideration and all HER sacrifices, efforts, love, tender care and the troubles she has to put up with my nonsense, she has done a bloody wonderful excellent job despite having a career of her own. What facinate me most is how SHE has taken excellent care of my little Fatini & Emir! Not only has she plan for their education but also their caracter development...which is more important for their future.

To all her close blogging friends and relatives, please join me in congratulating my beloved wife (http://www.elegmum-allmyheart.blogspot.com/) on her birthday and thanking her for her efforts to be the Ideal Women like KHADIJAH BINTI KHUWAILID, the wife of Nabi MUHAMMAD SAW......

Mummy, Happy Birthday...We love U so much...Papa,Fatini & Emir

Wanita Terbaik di Muka Bumi
Riwayat Muslim dan al-Bukhari mengatakan sebaik-baik wanita adalah Maryam Binti 'Imran dan Khadijah Binti Khuwailid. Justeru itu Khadijah mempunyai kedudukan yang istimewa di hati Rasulullah s.a. w. meskipuan sesudah meninggal dunia ia dicemburui oleh 'Aisyah r.a. Bukti kesayangan nabi kepada Khadijah ialah riwayat 'Aisyah yang mengatakan setiap kali keluar dari rumah nabi Muhammad s.a.w. akan memuji Khadijah sehinggalah pada suatu hari 'Aisyah merasai cemburu lalu meluncur dari mulutnya: Tidak adakah yang lain dapat mengganti si tua itu?Rasulullah menjawab dengan marahnya: Demi Allah!Tidak ada yang dapat menggantikan dari segi kebaikan selain darinya.Dia beriman ketika manusia kufur,dia membenarkan aku ketika orang lain membohongi ku,dia bersimpati dengan hananya ketika orang lain mengalangi ku.Allah menganugerahkan kepadaku darinya anak dan tidak perempuan lain.
Perkahwinan baginda Rasulullah s.a.w.dengan wanita ideal ini membawa ke akhir hayat. Khadijah pada masa itu sudah berusia enam puluh lima tahun.Muhammad s.a.w. pula berusia lima puluh tahun. Selama bersama khadijah dua puluh lima tahun Muhammad tidak pemah berniat untuk berkahwin lagi. Hanya selepas kewafatan Khadijah barulah Rasulullah s.a. w. berkahwin dengan 'Aisyah dan isteri-isteri lain-Iain (ibid:53).
Riwayat Hidup
Nama penuh beliau ialah Khadijah Binti Khuwalid bin Asad bin 'Abdul 'Uzza bin Qusay bin Kilab bin Murrah. Dari Qusay bin Kilab bertemu nasab beliau dengan Rasulullah s.a.w.(A.Guillaume,1978:82). Sejak zaman Jahiliah kedudukan Khadijah amat tinggi dengan keturunan yang baik juga keperibadian beliau yang cukup dihormati. Faktor keturunan,kebijaksanaan,kecantikan dan kekayaan terkumpul pada dirinya segala kelebihan dan kebaikan(Qadariyyah Husin,t.t. :8). Beliau juga adalah seorang pengurus yang berjaya.Ibn Kathir mensifatkan Khadijah adalah seorang yang cukup matang,berpandangan jauh(Ibn Kathir,1971:262). Ini terbukti dari pemilihannya menjadikan Muhammad sebagai suaminya walau pun dia lebih tua dari suaminya itu. Adalah luar biasa,Khadijah berupaya mengangkat martabat dirinya ketika adat masyarakat jahiliah merendah-rendahkan taraf wanita.Beliau hidup di tengah kemungkaran,tetapi mampu menepis segala gejala buruk itu sehinggakan beliau dikenali sebagai('Afifah Tahirah).
Perkahwinan beliau dengan nabi Muhammad s.a.w. membawa kebahagiaan sejati. Apabila wahyu pertama diturunkan dia lah yang pertama beriman.Ketika Rasulullah s.a. w. dilakukan sewenang-wenang, dia jualah yang menjadi perisai. Justeru itu beliau mengorbankan seluruh harta kekayaann a untuk perjuangan Rasululla, s.a. w. Apabila beliau wafat maka tahun itu dinamakan "tahun dukacita"bagi Rasulullah. Selepas bertemu Rasulullah s.a. w. beliau meninggalkan segala kemewahan dan kesenangan hidup untuk berabdi diri kepada Tuhan dan berjuang menegakkan kebenaran. Penganut Islam amat bersyukur atas segala jasanya itu. Beliau menumpukan perhatian kepada suami dan anak-anak serta penyebaran Islam.
Lambang Kasih Seorang Isteri
Kasih sayang dan saling mengerti serta kecenderungan yang sarna
Adalah punca keharmonian rumahtangga. Inilah yang terjadi kapada pasangan ideal ini.Mereka bertemu jodoh dengan pilihan masing-masing yang tepat. Nabi SAW Muhammad cukup bertuah seperti juga Khadijah amat bertuah kerana mendapat pasangan secucuk dan sepadan. Ia hubungan kesetiaan yang tiada tolak bandingnya,memberikan contoh teladan dalam kasih sayang dan pengorbanan.Masing-masing bersedia menanggung kesusahan dan bersedia memberi pertolongan. Khadi'ah melaksanakan segala kewajipan dan tanggung jawab sehingga Nabi Muhammadtmendapat kedamaian yang tiada bandingan(Qadariyyah,op.cit:20). Kehadiran Khadijah dalam kehidupan nabi memberi suatu kekuatan dan tenaga pendorong untuk menghadapi tugas yang amat berat. Beliau menjadi temanhidup yang dapat menghilangkan kesepian,memberi hiburan di kala duka, malah rela berkorban sepanjang masa.
Semasa suaminya berangkat ke gua-gua di sekitar Mekah untuk bersedirian,dia mempersiapkan bekalan yang diperlukan.Jika suaminya lambat pulang dia amat gelisah.Bila dilihat suaminya bermunajat dia merasa tenang dan sabar tanpa mengomel. Sebenamya,bukanlah suatu perkara yang enteng bagi seorang isteri menahan kesabaran untuk suami yang sering meninggalkan rumah dengan alasan untuk beribadat,terutama pada zaman jahiliah yang penuh kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran. Sekiranya Khadijah mengikutkan perasaan sudah pasti dia memprotes perbuatan Rasulullah itu. Tetapi Khadijah mempunyai keyakinan yang teguh terhadap suaminya itu. Dua puluh lima tahun bersama Rasulullah Khadijah sumber kebahagiaan,ketenangan ,kemesraan yang mendalam. Dia meninggalkan contoh terbaik sebagai suri yang patuh dan taat.
Khadijah Ibu Sejati
Tidak banyak fakta sejarah yang secara jelas menulis tentang peranan Khadijah sebagai ibu.Namun ada disebut anaknya dengan Rasulullah seramai tujuh orang. Anak lelaki kesemuanya meninggal iaitu al-Qasim,Tahir dan Tayyib. Hanya anak perempuan yang kekal hidup iaitu Zainab,Ruqayyah, Umm Kalthum dan Fatimah(Abdul Salam Harun,1977:44).
Apa yang difahami dia amat memberikan perhatian berat kepada pendidikan anak-anak perempuan ini. Ibu adalah guru pertama bagi anak muslim. Khadijah mendidik sendiri anak-anaknya bersama Rasulullah. Zainab anak sulung dilatih sejak awal bukan dalam keadaan manja,tetapi lebih cepat matang. Zainab menjadi "ibu kecil" bagi adik-adiknya. Dia ditugas mengawasi adiknya Fatimah,mengisi waktu dengan bermain,apalagi ibunya sudah agak berumur(Binti sl Syati,1975:85).
Pendidikan melalui tauladan menjadi teras bagi Khadijah. Hasil didikannya tidaklah aneh jika anak-anaknya seperti Ruqayyah dan Fatimah mampu bersabar dan mampu pula menghadapi kesulitan hidup. Sebab dari buah dikenal pokoknya, demikian kata pepatah Melayu, maka itulah jua yang berlaku kepada Khadijah,Keunggulan beliau sebagai ibu dikenal melalui sahsiah anak-anaknya.