How and Why We Flirt

There are but two very specific types of people who flirt — singles and those who are married. Single people flirt because, well, they’re single and therefore nobody is really obligated to talk to or do the ‘wild thing’ with them. But married people are more of an enigma — they’ve already found themselves a suitable significant other. So why do they persevere with the game, and how do we flirt to begin with?

Flirting Stats

Statistics vary but most experts agree it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if we’re attracted to someone. As much as we’d like to believe it all rests on that witty opening one-liner — sorry, it doesn’t.
55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.
33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice.
Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.

First Impressions

You need to get the body language down pat right off the bat or they won’t bother sticking around to find out how charming you are. Here’s a thought to make you feel dreadfully self-aware — before you’ve even uttered a word to the person you’ve got your eye on, your posture and the way you’ve walked is more than 80% of their first impression of you. We make snap judgments based on instinct but the fact is, nearly every facet of your personality is evident from your appearance, posture and the way you move.
So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals — and how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking — and the flirting — by learning to recognize them.

5 Expert Methods of Flirting

The Flirting Triangle When we look at people we’re unfamiliar with such as in a business situation, our eyes make a zig-zag motion — we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.
With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape — we look from eye to eye and down to include the nose and mouth. Once flirting begins, the triangle gets larger — it widens at the bottom to include parts of the body. The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we look from eye to eye — and the more time we spend looking at their mouth. It can be highly seductive when someone’s watching your mouth while you’re talking to them. It could be they’re fantasizing what it would be like to kiss you. A word of caution — don’t be overly overt in this method or you’ll only succeed at relaying a subliminal message of being a sexual predator to a female.

Mirroring

This is what separates a competent flirt from an expert — nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone’s behavior. If they lean forward to say something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back, sip their drink and look you in the eye, you pause and follow suit.
The philosophy is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they’re on the same level and mood as we are. But there are 2 major rules to become pro at this — only mirror positive body language, and capture the spirit rather than imitating them. Wait around 50 seconds as a rule of thumb before mimicking their gestures.

The Eyebrow Flash

When we first see someone we’re attracted to our eyebrows rise and fall, and they’ll do the same if they’re equally attracted. Watch closely and carefully, because it only lasts about a fifth of a second.
It’s an unconscious gesture replicated by every culture on the planet. Some experts claim it’s the most instantly recognized non-verbal sign of greeting we humans use.
But for practicing flirters, the thing is to watch for it when you meet someone you’re interested in. On the pro level, tell them you’re interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second while catching their eye for full impact. Nothing longer or you’ll fall from pro status to idiot.
Pointing Steal a glance at their feet and hands. We have a tendency to point toward the person we’re interested in — if we find them attractive, we’ll often point at them subconsciously with our hands, arms, feet, legs, and toes.
Photo Lippi
This is another subliminal message used on the pro level to make your intentions known. It’s often picked up unconsciously by the other person, without them really knowing why.
If you have your eye on someone across the room, point your body in their direction — even if you don’t make eye contact, they may take the hint.

Blinking

If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases, as does their blink rate.
Being the expert flirt you are, up the odds in your favor by increasing the blink rate of the person you’re talking to by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they’ll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, in turn making you both feel more attracted to one another.
Cues of Readiness Notice the sidelong glance paired with the weak smile, the slightly sustained gaze given? A woman tilting her head to the side a bit, exposing her soft, sensuous neck, or looking at it another way, her jugular? A man maintaining his body in an open, come-on-attack-me position, arms positioned to draw the eye to his impressive lower abdomen?

Scientists call all these little acts “contact-readiness” cues, because they indicate non verbally that you’re prepared for physical engagement. Experts of general body language call this “nonverbal leakage.”
These cues are a crucial part of the “heterosexual relationship initiation process.” In primal terms, they’re physical signals that you don’t intend to dominate, nor do you intend to flee — both effective messages potential mates must send before they can proceed to that awkward talking phase. They’re the opening line for the opening line.

Golden Rules of Body Language

Don’t judge based on one thing alone. Sitting with one’s arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture — but it could also mean they’re freezing cold, or hiding a freshly spilt drink on their shirt.
Don’t jump to conclusions — instead look for groups of behavior. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, they’re likely on the defensive. Most experts on body language follow the Rule of 4 — look for at least 4 signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Why We Flirt

One of the reasons we flirt is that we just can’t help ourselves — we’re programmed to do it by biology or culture. The Max Planck Institute in Germany filmed African tribes in the 1960’s and found that the African women did the exact same prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile that he saw in America. Some evolutionary biologists suggest that those who were pros at flirting maneuvers were more successful in quickly finding a mate and reproducing, and that the behavior therefore became widespread in all humans. “A lot of people feel flirting is part of the universal language of how we communicate, especially nonverbally.” says Jeffry Simpson, director of the social psychology program at the University of Minnesota. Simpson is currently studying the roles that attraction and flirting play during different times of a woman’s ovulation cycle. His research suggests that women who are ovulating are more attracted to flirty men. “The guys they find appealing tend to have characteristics that are attractive in the short term, which include some flirtatious behaviors.” he says.
He’s not sure why women behave this way, but it follows that men who have sex with ovulating women have a greater chance of procreating and passing on those flirty genes. But this is an unconscious choice, just as flirting isn’t always intentional. “With a lot of it, especially the nonverbal stuff, people may not be fully aware that they’re doing it.” says Simpson. “You don’t see what you look like. People may emit flirtatious cues and not be fully aware of how powerful they are.”

Flirting with Intent

But for the rest of you, you know who you are. Once you move into the verbal phase of flirting, it’s pretty much all intentional.
Flirtation is a game we play — a dance in which everyone knows the moves. “People can flirt outrageously without intending anything.” says Timothy Perper, who’s been researching flirting for 30 years. “Flirting captures the interest of the other person and says ‘Would you like to play?”

Flirting is Second Nature

The uncertainty of flirting is one of the most exhilarating things about the game. “Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes, not no.” says Perper. “So we engage ourselves in this complex game of maybe.” The game is anything but new — the first published guide on how to flirt was written about 2,000 years ago, Perper says, by author Ovid.
Once we’ve learned the game of maybe, it becomes second nature to us. Long after we need to play it, we’re still occupied by it because we’re better at it than at other games, and sometimes it becomes a social fallback position.
“We all learn rules for how to behave in certain situations, and this makes it easier for people to know how to act, even when nervous.” says Antonia Abbey, a psychology professor at Wayne State University.
Just as we learn a kind of script for how to behave in a restaurant or at a business meeting, she suggests, we learn a script for talking to the opposite sex. “We often enact these scripts without even thinking.” she says. “For some women and men, the script may be so well learned that flirting is a comfortable strategy for interacting with others.” In other words, when in doubt, we flirt.

Why Married People Flirt

What drives many already committed people to engage in the art of woo is often not doubt, but curiosity. Flirting “is a way of testing one’s mate-value and the possibility of alternatives — actually trying to see if someone might be available as an alternative.” says Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.
Evolutionary biologists claim the motivations are clear — mates and offspring die — flirting is somewhat like mating insurance.
Some may flirt to bring about renewed attention from your mate, which has advantages all its own.

For Benefits

Flirting can be an emotional resource to gain something — not usually for money, but for the intangibles — a better table, a juicier cut of meat, a discount, or to return a purchase without any hassles. It’s a handy social lubricant, reducing the friction of everyday difficulties, more like a strategically timed tip than a romantic advance. Flirting is almost mandatory in today’s times.

Online Flirting

The digital scene is all words and no body language — whether online or in text messages, nuance is nearly impossible. And since text and e-mail flirting can be done without having to look people in the eye, it’s bolder, racier and unrestrained without thought on whether the message could be misinterpreted or should even be sent at all. “Flirt texting is a topic everyone finds fascinating, although not much research is out there yet.” says Abbey. “People are often more willing to disclose intimate details via the Internet, so the process may escalate more quickly.” A University of Florida study of 86 participants in a chat room published in Psychology Today in 2003 found that while nearly all those surveyed felt they were initially simply flirting with a computer, not a real person, nearly a third of them eventually had a face-to-face meeting with someone they chatted with. All but 2 of the couples who met went on to have an affair.
Whether the people who eventually cheated went to the site with the intention of doing so or got drawn in by the fantasy of it all wasn’t clear.

Affairs

Many people who flirt off-line aren’t typically looking for an affair. But one of the things about married flirting is that it has a much greater degree of danger and fantasy to it. The stakes are high and risks are great, even if the likelihood of anything happening is slim. But for some, it’s a highly addictive drug.
Therapists say that people who cheat are often not so much dissatisfied with their spouse as with themselves and the way their lives have turned out. There is little that feels more affirming and revitalizing than having someone fall in love with you — and little that feels less affirming than being cheated on.

Safety on Dates

If you’re cyber dating, using the personals or a dating agency, it’s a good idea to arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste time if it doesn’t work. Don’t lead anyone on if they’re not your fancy — which might turn into stalking — by being polite in saying “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.” Stick to an area that’s well lit with plenty of people around. Better yet, meet in a place where you’re known so the person you’re with can be identified. Talk to the waiter / waitress so it’s obvious you’ve been seen with them.
Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history.
Give the details of your date to several friends — where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you’re OK, and phone them a few hours later to report in again.

Go Forth and Flirt

By now you’ve become an expert in the sphere of flirtation, armed with the best tricks of the trade. Flirting is an elixir, a way of feeling more alive, more vital, and more desirable without actually endangering the happiness of anyone you love. So go ahead and flirt — if you can do it responsibly and without hurting anyone. You might even try it with your spouse and reap some fantastically tantalizing rewards.

Sources: BBC and Time